back to nowhere....headed nowhere....but still happy....

So it's been a long time again....and i choose the best time to do everything.....

have a mid-term exam (a take home due in 11 hours)....am yet to even read it.....yeah i like living on the edge....:)

am in a very stupid state of mind....am delirious....am hurt....am ecstatic...am depressed....want something desperately....i know i wouldn't get it.....but in a very strange way...am not sad....but am quite happy...:)

things have stopped affecting me.....i have a feeling a big dip is just around the corner.....and this time i'll crash big time....

ok...so what happened now??....well life tried to make me laugh again....with its awesome sense of humour....just that this time it got me angry....i mean i am dragging along my life my way....sommeone calls out....i go out of curiosity and they kick me in the groin....what the hell bugger??...did i ask for it??....and yeah i am supposed to laugh at it.....ha ha...ok so that takes care of the negative side....

just the other day was on a flight from delhi to hyderabad....and it was really late in the night...almost everyone was asleep.....i was wide awake.....just as we were about to land...the plane shook vigorously....hmmm...some fear!!!....but then in the next thirty seconds i got a realisation that had me smiling and i have not stopped since...i lived the maslow's need hierarchy theory in reverse....as in what all needs the person leaves....i certainly don't want to leave a legacy...so level 5 is out....i don't have any self esteem needs....there goes level 4....i haven't made friends for a long time....so level 3 is out as well....i have seen a few people at this level ....where they can't leave the security and physiological needs.....well so coming back to the plane....the thought just occured to me....what if death was about 30 seconds away....and i didn't feel a thing...no fear....I like to belive for the next 2 minutes....i conquered the need for security...and level 2 was out as well for me....part of it could have been because i was helpless....but trust me i know what being helpless means....for those two minutes i was in an orbit where nothing seemed to matter.....thus the happiness....

the god part about the experience has been that it has taken away my anxieties about many things in life....but has also made me complacent....i have stopped caring about so many things....i walk late into classes...walk out when i feel bored....CP has gone for a toss...i don't even know if teachers exist.....and it doesn't bother me....

talked to a friend from the study-group....she tried to talk me out of this "loser" mentality....ha ha ha....if this is losing, then what is winning??...

But i think she is right....the life i have chosen for myself....this is what they call losing.....so would try and come out of it...:)

as of now, its just emptiness....am looking back at nothing....am looking forward to nothing....am excited about nothing....am depressed about nothing.....am happy about nothing....am furious about a few, very few things......but then i guess even this anger would fizzle out.....:)

And this is what i came across about humour by Mark Twain....fits the life's sense of humour to perfection....

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

yeah...i love my own little hell...naah....

A few dates....a few movies...a few songs...a few people...a few memories...

hmmm....i don't really remember dates...or movies....or songs and the lot....

But these two were special....Mani ratnam & A R Rahman.....

I first heard of these two in 1995...."Bombay" released that year..April 7, 1995....the songs were amazing..."kehna hi kya"....uuufff......I couldn't bring myself to hear that song for a long long time....yeah...i had spent April 5, 1995..a wednesday... with someone special....and a few things hurt......i gave up on Rahman...

And then again....January 12, 2007...."Guru" released....again Mani Ratnam and A R Rahman....amazing music..."Aye Hairathe"....a killer again....and January 10, 2007....a wednesday again....and in many ways again a day i'll remember for some time....I did give up on rahman again.....:)

But I heard it today....and it felt good.....this post is just to remember the moment.....

a walk in the rain...

Yeah i have copied the heading...sue me....

It happened....quite impulsively.....the sound was amazing....the sudden downpour.....i went to the window....and the view was breadthtaking....it was pouring like i have not seen for a long long time....i opened the window...and just walked out....there was this super intelligent me, telling me to go back....its exams in two days, right!!!.....hah...b**** to you i said and walked in the rain....again....the kid just peeped out for those five minutes.....

I had forgotten the sensation when the drops make their way through the clothes and the first touch....aah the killer....and the then there's the flood....everywhere that touch....that wet, cold, harsh yet engulfing touch....i could forget everything...yup everything (and i do have a bagful) for those five minutes....it was fun to be a child again...:)

living the strategic life.....

hmmm...so term two has started...an we have strategy courses...and the marketing startegy game...wow..me strategy....awesome....:)

I really try to link myself and strategy...but really can't go beyond the incident last week....

Last exam and rushed out of college to the airport...to catch a 6:40 flight....reached the airport around 6:00...walked to the check-in counter with a typical MBA swagger and attitude...and the following is the conversation....

Me: Hi (handing over the ticket)

Lady at the counter: (smiling)...hi (How I wish, I could boast I charmed her into that smile, but my experience tells me better)

The very next moment, the lady gives me a 'wierd-confused-horrified-oh what a nut' look...

Hell, OK I am..used to getting such looks...but this was too quick even by my standards....I mean a simple plain 'Hi' can't trigger it....

Me: I am sorry, I understand I am slightly late..(see the brilliant me, that's the best I could come up with)
Lady: (smiling again) No Sir, you are quite late

I hate this 'Sir' word....it ususally is followed by something not necessarily pleasant....

Me: (with the confused look)....sorry!!??

Lady: Yeah, your flight left at 6:40 in the morning...

Me: !!!!????....You serious???

Lady: Yes sir, this ticket is for the 6:40 morning flight....

Well half an hour of running around...meeting a few people....giving the gareeb student...mom's not well story...paying up 500 bucks.... I had a seat on the next flight....

and then this thought...hell, I can't even book my tickets properly....and strategy...!!!...well but none of those buggers into strategic thinking book their tickets themselves..... do they??

so yeah i do have a chance...:)

Why the hell am I here???

Yup, that's what I ask myself every second day....and the stupid part is I don't really get an answer. Infact I can only ask myself - if not here, then where would I rather be???

It's strange to live without a dream. I don't really see myself going anywhere. At times I felt this was the best state to be in, and even aspired to be in that, but then it's no fun beyond a point.

ISB is fake...or rather the people here are fake. It's tough to live with all smiling faces around. Add to it the 'genius' in all of them, you reach a different planet. Egos are big..:-).

I went into the kitchen the other night. It's huge. Met two 'extra-hands', the people who are not actually into cooking and all but for other stuff like cutting vegetables, cleaning stuff and all. All they aspire to be is that smallest assistant to the chef. They have been here 3 years just living that dream. Yeah, life is relative. I just can't get the right perspective.

Attended a photography, lecture the other night. Hell....i know nothing of photography....yeah not even how to hold the camera properly...:)...nice one...would probably go to a few more...

What else..mom had an accident, a serious one last week....broke her arm...was in the hospital for 'bout 3 days..i was not told...yeah, nice...it made no sense to 'disturb' me....:-)....i don't know how to react....the only thing I asked myself last night was....If I can't go to her when I am a student....would I be able to do it when I have professional responsibilities....:-)...maybe, maybe not...hence the question 'Why the hell am I here??? - yeah maybe to move on in life, leave a few people behind, and find a happy life....worth it???....i don't know....the stupid part is the world believes it is....and I feel i would fall in line soon....:)

Hell, I hate it.....

Exams...the first at ISB

It's a new feeling.....not doing well in an exam and not feeling guilty....:-)....hell...it's my own money I am wasting now....:)

Yeah, had the first set of exams in ISB today....buggers 2.5 weeks and they have a being called Mid-Term Exam!!!....Had it for 2 subjects....well didn't go to the heights I expected them to...but were not too bad. Le's see.

It's strange when people have their first failure. Met a few people, who just clouldn't believe they had not done well on an exam. Poor souls, yeah it's harsh reality. Failures do exist, and to be honest, they exist much more than the illusion called success. The first learning from ISB for them, I presume.

The good part about relative grading is that if everyone does bad, you can still hope to land somewhere decent. But there are always those "outliers", buggers - they spoil it for everyone. Le's see.

Life was very good this past week. A bit hectic, slept 5 hours per day (average), but then it took me back to being a student again. I am still not getting that required kick. But I think it has started to set in....hopefully by the time next exams come in - 2 weeks to end terms - I'd be in combat mode....and more importantly the mood.

I still don't know what I am looking at ahead but the good part is that I'm leaving the past behind. The more I leave, the more convinced I am of me being correct and the easier it becomes....hah...I am an egoist...:-)

ZZZoooomm.....that's the sound of a passing weekend...

zooooom....yeah that's how the weekend went....try saying that out....zzzoooom.......yeah it makes a nice sound...living it is slightly tougher....

Had plans to study. The operative word being "had". It didn't turn out as expected. Bloody assignments. It's tough being a student again. I thought IMT was the last I had seen of books. I don't really like those fat, coloured things teasing me from the bookshelf. Trust me, they are monsters in themselves and they throw up the bait every day as if saying "Come have me if you can." And poor me I keep thinking I'll win and try going after them everyday. Buggers they have been winning over me for this past week.

Interestingly over the weekend, I realised I had a few responsibilities towards a few people in life. I don't really know how could I have missed out on those. I was too involved in my personal issues for the past 9 years. Yup, June 9, 1998 it was when failure first hit me. I just went into my personal shell and was just too reluctant to come out after that. Failures just became a routine after that. I'd like to believe I'm blessed. Aiming for the moon, I usually landed amongst the stars. But in all of this, I left behind a few people who may have needed me at times. Yeah, I like the sound of it..."needed me"...:). I guess I have to take it up now. It's been too long that I have lived this lonely selfish life. I want to go back now. I have to help a few people find their way. I don't really know if I am needed anymore but what the heck, I'll try and do it anyway.

I am not enjoying ISB. Usually happens with me everywhere. I didn't like college for almost an year. I hated IMT the first year. Ahmedabad was hell for the first 6 months. I take my time getting used to places and liking them. I just have one year here...I hope I begin to start liking this place before I leave. At times I feel I am stopping myself from enjoying a few things, which I think I can enjoy. But I really am reluctant to leave my shell and walk out. I have been having long restive sleeps. I don't know if that makes sense but that's the way it's been. I have been sleeping long hours but am not sleeping well.

Maybe my mind needs a few responsibilities to get into combat mode. I think I have had a lazy, "I care a damn" life for too long. I need to get back into action. I have made a mental note of a few things I need to do on a regular basis. Let's see if I can keep to it.They told me I owe it to a few people. I hate this owing business...but ok let's give it a try....

So went the first week...

hmmm...so one week into the MBA....nothing too great. I'm not even sure when was I more disturbed at the start or at the end of the week !!!

OK. Le's see - 4 subjects mktg., Acc, Eco & stats. Mktg should be manageable, lots of reading and lot of bakar...but the beauty is nothing is wrong...so should not really be too big a problem. Accounts...seems Ok till now...maybe would practice a few questions over the weekend. Eco...hmmm...I've done the theory but buggers this is a maths paper...shouldn't be too bad. Stats...this would be the killer. All new topics and I usually lose the professor after about half the class. Let's see if I can pull it back over the weekend....but honestly this is the only subject I'm worried about in the first term.

The week was an eye opener in many other ways. Boy I have become so used to being the way I have been, i just can't keep study after 11:00. The moment i open a book, the eyes just shut by themselves.

The one year MBA is actually a stupid course. They have compressed everything into such a short period, the pace is just too much to keep up with. Bloody hell, I have almost 200 pages of pre-reads every day and add to it the cases we are supposed to solve before the class. It really is tough. I have to really shake off this air of comfort and get down to serious business.

The good part here is that it is a four day week so the pre-read shit is only for four nights. But the extended weekend is not so good either what with three assignments lined up for monday morning submissions, the buggers have given me enough on my plate for three days. Add to it a guest lecture on saturday and the Leadership crap for half of friday, the weekend is already short.

Am I enjoying it??...not really...am just not feeling motivated enough to give it my all. Personally - I'd like to believe I'm coming on well except for ....forget it. At times I feel I'm writing more because I just wanna make sure the posts of the past three months are consigned to archives soon...:)...

What else, the biggest worry these days is to find a way to survive on 6 hour sleep days. trust me I'm failing miserably. I just need some motivation to kick start me....heck...it's only 10 months...comeon I need this last burst of energy....it'll happen for sure...just that i want it to start soon.

The Grind starts....

Hmmm...so my journey to the centre of the (corporate) world began today. The core terms started today. Two classes, both after lunch. Bloody hell...2 hour classes. I had serious doubts if I'd be able to sit through them. Thankfully, I could.

I have often heard MBA students talk about the "aha"momement, there was none for me today. I hope I have a few of them soon else I'll lose interest in this stupid thing and then passing an year would be quite tough. what the heck its just eleven months. But then eleven months to what???....I really don't know. I am quite sure I don't wanna go to Delhi now. It is really tough there. But then I also don't want to live alone anymore. So I don't really know what am I looking forward to. I have signed up for 4 different clubs as of now...all leading to very diverse careers...:)...yup I am confused or to be honest I haven't and don't wanna apply my mind to my career. I seriously am not looking forward to anything. In a way, it is good - no expectations, no hassles. But the fact is I would have to make a choice sooner than later, I just have 1 year here to be myself again.

Coming back to the classes today. Had marketing and Accounts today. Marketing was...well ok..nothing too exciting. I don't really know how can people make it a subject to study. accounts was Ok....nothing new....quite manageable.

have around 200 pages of pre-reads before tomorrow's classes - Eco & Stats. Bloody hell I wasted the whole of last week...shud have read something at least...but then I guess the break was needed...

what else...people tell me the profs are good...hope they have it in them to refine me....

Shit it ended....or is it....Shit ended

I have been quite a fan of life's sense of humor. If not anything, it has at least taught me that losing also has a funny side to it. The only problem is that I keep seeing this side too often for my liking. But wait a minute. What the heck!!!...how do I keep considering other's losses as my loss. Bloody hell a few people lose me...that's their bloody problem. nah..I don't really have the egoist's notion of being one of the most desirable beings in the world, but honestly I am not that bad a company for most people who know me.

Well the background to this is simple, a few people take a few steps which seem like hell to me but they actually are the ones I'd like to thank a few years from now. The strange part is that for a few of their stupid troubles I am being held responsible. Wow...I have never really experienced so much negativity flowing my way. And buggers it was all unexplained, unexplained to me...and tragically unexplained to them. Frustrations in life, they kept theirs piling up..they came out at the first instance they were allowed to and the liberation was too much for them. The freshness was too much to handle. Of course I couldn't have taken care of frustrated people. At one point I could just pity them.

I learnt there exist people for whom their own words can be so frivolous. Comeon we all lie...but what the heck there's always a context and a limit. Do I blame it on their language, education...a bit harshly..on their upbringing...or rather simply...their frustrations in life. I believe it's a combination of all. Yes I was troubled because maybe I judged actions/words from the standards I keep for myself. But what the heck ....(Sh)it ended.

Another gain...I quit drinking....trust me i have never felt better....what the heck...i have had around 12 parties in the last 3 months...not a drop of alcohol...wow....but trust me...beyond a point, even fruit juice tastes pathetic...so yeah I am on a lookout for non alcoholic drinks at parties....

And of course the biggest gain out of it....the urge to be good or rather to be seen as good can be such a weakness....Gawd people who can't take care of themselves can be guided by this notion and come to "help" others...and ultimately do something so silly that the farce is easily visible.

and yes, closed minds are the worst of God's creation....as it is we can't explain anything to anyone beyond their mental capabilities...but when people decide not to use even that...then not even God can help....

And of course I have come to know of my support system....maan its awesome....people though not supporting my goal were/are always there for me....I had to dig deep into myself to come out with a false arrogant face to avoid help....though i did fail on a few occasions...but the confidence of them being there...was an awesome feeling....there are too many people to name here...so let's just leave it there....and the beauty of it is that i got to know that there exist people who'd support you only if you did what they liked...I'd better have no support than that support....

There have also been a few losses....I lost my confidence for a few days....my rationality & balance for a few more...but most of all the loss of emotions....I have been told that just like other things your emotions are numbered...they are not to be wasted everywhere....i probably did waste a handful...

SO as I look ahead....I feel liberated....a few monkeys off my back....a few scars...but i also see a few dreams germinating....I hope I have it in me to try and take t hem to their logical conclusion...and even if they shatter again...at least i know how to face it ..:)

gaining years....

So, yesterday it was that day of the year again. Age moves an year ahead. Somehow I tend to become reflective on the day. A few years ago, I read it somewhere - "growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional." I hope I've grown up a bit this year.

This electronic age is really good. All people right from my bank, to the preferred airline to the blood donors group wished..well I received an e-mail at least. The phone calls were lesser than the mails. The world is changing...hmmm.

The day went fine. Finally did take a bath (yeah it'd been two days). Cooked an awesome khichdi in the afternoon. Went out into the city in the evening and came back as empty as i went out. I am really waiting for the classes to begin. Sitting idle, is a killer. The nights are a bit tough these days. The bed is too comfortable for me and the mind is too restless. I just need them to change qualities...:). I know I'd be able to reach there soon. The journey is a bit...well...painful, but what the heck I've come through worse things.

The next week I have a complete off. People studying a few pre-term courses. I have opted for none so I have nothing to do. Maybe I'll explore Hyderabad the next week. Ma'an I need a bike. Sunday it'd be, if I don't buy one this weekend then I don't think I'd be able to in the year ahead. Le's see.

The study groups have been made...5 people..two more guys & two gals....quite a diverse lot...Hope the studies pan out well. hah...as if I want to study...
.nuff for the day...

ISB..

hmmm...right...so I have reached the dreamers' abode....Indian School of Business, Hyderabad.

The place is nice. The administration seems helpful. And the fake smiles and the urge to know everyone in your "batch" is there. A sense of deja vu. Yeah IMT seemed the same in the first month. I am really looking forward to the first exam. This sweetness has to make way for reality soon. Nah I'm not skeptical but yeah a fair dose of realism is needed.

The past two months have been really weird. I just seem to be sleep walking through everything. "Dazed & Confused" that's what I have been. The only good thing was that I have started my journey back into my shell and I know for sure that this time I'll go even deeper 'cause honestly I don't wanna come out ever. I don't wanna come out 'cause I can't really play this game well and now I don't even know if I want to win.

Baaki...the quaddies are nice...two more punjabis and a marathi. The ISB infrastructure is awesome. The quality of faculty does look good. So let's see if they have it in them to refine me..:)

would write more about ISB and the "learning experience" over the next 10 months.

Time to move out...

My last Saturday in office, well atleast for an year. I'm moving out of the city soon. Moving on with life, heading back to pursuit of knowledge in order to earn more money. Yeah it sounds, too hollow. But maybe that is the way I am.

Leaving this city is turning out to be a strange experience, there's a part of me that wants to stay rooted here for ever...maybe in some hope and there's the other who just wants to rush out of here, maybe never to come back.

I fear the second me would win in this battle.....but then I have already surrendered to a lot many things...let this be another....

It hurts...

The "Whys" hurt. The "Hows" hurt. The thinking hurts. But then these are probably the result of my expectations.

Mahatma Gandhi said "No one can hurt you, unless you allow them to." Yeah, my expectations allowed a few people/events/situations to hurt me. So ultimately I come down to blaming myself. Yup, it's a clear signal I'm headed back towards sanity. The best part about blaming oneself is that the remedies are easily found/available. The courage to follow them is slightly scarce. But then it does come.

Someone told me that its only the ego which is hurt. Hmmm....nah it does go somewhat deep and it hurts at other places. But then the gain has been that I found the cause for the hurt- I, Me, myself. Now, if the cause is so clear the solution can definitely not be far.

Read it on one of the posts...remove the rights and wrongs and nothing's wrong then...Hmmm....but then how does it take the pain away???

In a strange way I have started smiling a bit. Yeah, genuine smiles. I just imagine myself two years down the line and laughing at this time like a total jackass. Maybe even sharing it with a few other buggers drunk like hell (except me, I 'd like to believe I've quit), maybe listening to Menhdi Hasan. Gawd What's with the guy, you never enjoy him at the times when it makes sense to enjoy him. Yeah maybe life's like that...:-)

Is life looking up? Not really. A very very lonely weekend is loomig ahead. Am I afraid? You bet I am, shit scared. But then I usually look up at problems in their worst form, so maybe it'll be slightly less lonely. But sitting here in office after everyone's left listening to a few good songs does make life good. Tommorow would be better. I don't even believe myself when I say that.:-)
If any of the buggers reading this have my phone number, then do call me. I'm not calling up anyone over the weekend.

B called-up in the morning. Facing problems with his girl. Hmmm...stupid people....afraid of committments. Bloody hell, take the plunge. How the hell can I help?? But yeah I think they'll get married soon. God bless them. (yeah do it.)

I have started gaining weight again. The early mornings just add to the guilt as I just waste them. The jogging stopped long ago. Yeah it's been almost 2 months since I went out. But then I'm afraid of morning walks too. I have to start it again, I can't keep running away.

Talked to Dad yesterday. It'd been a long long time. Yeah even he's a bit of an egoist. I had to make the phone call. He told me to come back to Delhi. I just feel suffocated there. I really can't imagine going back to Delhi in the near future. Yeah I have started to fear the city I have loved throughout my life. But I guess I'd go back after sis's exams are over. Maybe for a week. But even thinking of that gives me jitters.

I've to start reading again. It's been a really long time since I picked up a book. Hell, I don't even read the papers properly these days. I'll start with the newspapaer tommorow. I beleive the world cup can't be really far away. Hell, How can I lose track of that???

I remember the verse from Pyasa "Tang aa chuke hain kashmkashein zindagi se hum, thukra na dein jahaan ko kahin bekhudi mein hum." ..."ubhrenge ek baar abhi dil ke walwale, maana ki dab gaye hain gham-e-zindagi se hum."... of course the heart would not stop beating by itself. It'll dream again...and maybe see them shatter again....do i care??...maybe i do...but its just the pain that bothers me....achievements stopped making a difference a long time ago....

The pain it is....the truth....but if the exultation didn't last for long...how can this continue beyond a point???.....but it really hurts abhi....khoon bahut hai...tezi se beh bhi raha hai....:)

Let's head back.....

They said you'll get bored of it and then start smiling. Hmmm...I actually am sick of these fake smiles. Either I stop them or make them real. The second option does deserve a chance. It'll take its time happening, but then till then I'll keep smiling and laughing the fakes.

Life's stuck-up, where I don't know. But it's stuck up for sure.I am trying my best to force it out of the rut but then I've just become so weak. The mornings are becoming horrible again, the nights have started troubling me too. The sleeplessness is back. I try my utmost to be awake till late in the night to avoid early mornings...but then old habits die hard and am usually up before the sun is out.

Work life is screwed. I have done nothing in the past two months and am bluffing people like hell. Some of them have the power to screw my career beyond recognition. They tell me, I have to come out of this stupidity. I guess I'll start with this. I guess my last year's hard work has saved me till now but I've reached a zone where it starts to get dicey.

Family, I have spoilt it to the level I never had before this. The average phone call home is about 45 seconds in length. Pheww...I need to sort out this. But I guess I should let my sis's exams get over. They are happy to be cold to me as of now and I'd let them be there for some more time. They think I'm on some ego trip and I'll just keep fuelling it for some more time. I don't know if I am being selfish, nah...I'm not.

And yes, we've fought again. God & me. It's for him to make up this time. nah...Don't I know myself.

It's been a funny time. The ones you enjoy two years hence. I thought I had passed that stage in life but I guess a last burst was due. Have i faced it before?? Yeah maybe I have but then that was a great learning experience. I am yet to count my gains out of this. What disturbs me is...am I giving up?? Maybe I am, but then you can't drill in sense to closed minds. In a strange way I'm reluctant to accept others' mistakes but then they have to live with it. Why the hell should I be bothered about their guilty conscience. But yeah maybe even I have my personal motives and that is what troubles me. Expectations, yup that is it. I have kept them low for so many years so they had to take this monstrous shape sometime. I guess they'll come back to a reasonable size with time.

Got to hear of three more marriages in the past three days. hmmm....great show guys keep it running.

So I have to head back. They say "be neutral." Hmmm....let's see. The initial burst is just not happening. I always fear that the original burst would put me into an orbit of negativity that I really want to avoid. So instead of being launched out, I'm walking out of it and that is taking its time. Let's see if we can put time frames on that. I know I have to leave a lot of things in this but then that has never been tough. Am I ready to battle myself again??. ummmm...do i have a choice?? Maybe I do....but I guess it's been enough, so let's head back...to where?? well the stupid place called world where money, promotions, performance appraisals, applause, careers, society, etiquette and all the crap becomes important again and the wild heart learns to live a timid tame life. I really do like life's sense of humour. Come beat me again I am ready to surrender.

Hmmm...interesting

To have something in life we never had, we have to do something we never did.

Visist the link

http://www.212movie.com/

I've seen it at the worst possible time...so what???....I really love life's sense of humour..:)

Life is...well not too bad...i have to make it better

Yeah this did warrant a second post for the day. I don't really know what it was the utter awe for amazing writing or the relief of having had a good laugh after a long time but it was exciting.

Reading through stuff I landed on the blog of this amazing dude. Ma'an amazing sense of humour and amazing skill. I had lost respect for the written word. But it actually made me laugh like a kid. My parents sitting in the other room thought, the moment to take me to the asylum had come (Yeah they have started believing in it, Dad was sweet enough to ask me if i thought i needed psychiatric help). They were amazed to see me laugh half bent over my laptop.

And the dude, the genius probably doesn't even know what he is done to me. Yeah, this makes me believe in God :).

Life indeed is beautiful...It can be made better...and you bet I'll try me best to do it....it's not yet over.

Abhi khoon bahut baaki hai...:)

Picking up pieces....carrying on....

Hmmm....the heading looks unnecessarily sombre...let it be...I'm not feeling much better anyway.

S got married yesterday. So two of the three of us are married. Yeah it had always been the three of us. S, R and me. Growing up together, doing all the rights and wrongs together. The bond was special. I remember the time when S and me had a crush on the same girl and both of us made gallant sacrifices in the name of friendship :). Those days were special.

R got married to S's sister last year. Yeah different communities, different cultures, yet they got married. Life moves on. I shifted to Ahmedabad and the bond somehow was breaking. I got their once a week phone calls and we usually discussed their problems. Yes Sir, I was the counsellor-in-chief. Youngest of the lot but somehow made the grandpa of the group.

I have been in Delhi six days now. Moved out only 2-3 times. It's quite sickening being at home doing nothing at all. Thinking of a few stupid things that others did and landed me nowhere. The restlessness, the anxiety, the insecurity, the pain it has all started taking its toll on me.

The days go pretty bad. Emptiness is something I detest. Once in a while I can do without work but it's quite difficult to live with emptiness elsewhere. I need a mission again, maybe to fail again. I have been trying to read again. Ruskin Bond is what I've picked up again. I've found my wall too. Except that it's a bit too high. Yup, around 100 feet from the ground. The view is breathtaking. But then I just can't read beyond a few pages. I have even started disliking the sunshine too. I need strength. It comes with clarity, they say. But I'm quite clear in my head about the correctness of a lot many things. I think strength would take its time coming.

I was in no mood to go to the wedding yesterday. Had a bath after 3 days and a shave after 5 days. Had my food at 8 and asked Dad for the car keys. Wanted to go on a drive into the stupid city. It was quite cold, more so inside. It's hard to express, but imagine bricks of Ice, cold ice, and all that breaking with rough edges hurting you as much with their sharpness as with their coldness.

10 minutes into my sojourn my phone rang. Damn it! I knew I should have left it home. It was R. He enquired where I was. I told him was not feeling well and may not be able to attend. Maybe he read through my lie and persuaded me to come for only a short time. Bloody hell, I have to get out of this anyway. I decided to go to the marriage. Called up home, told Mom to iron my clothes and turned back.

The marriage was a strange experience. I really do hate loud music. And Punjabi weddings are supposed to be loud. But what the heck wasn't the girl a Jat. Yup, an inter-caste marriage again. Why do I keep running into these. R saw me for a moment. Enquired if I needed any drinks. I refused as I have been doing for two months now. And then the damaad of the family as he was, he got busy with others. It's so strange how people can forget you in a crowd. I found a seat towards the rear and everyone almost forgot me. I don't know what hopes was I carrying, but that sudden realization of being forgotten broke a large piece inside me. I got up, met R and told him I'd be leaving. I asked him to meet me the next day if he could. Shit, How can I become so weak.

Came out, and didn't feel like going home. Decided to drive around a bit. Don't know how, but reached Dhaula Kuan, The traffic was somehow non-existent. I proceeded towards India Gate, but reaching RML decided to go to Cannaught Place(CP). CP has changed a lot. I went around the outer circle, there was the Madras Hotel, where I had had so many of my breakfasts, I have somehow begin to hate Dosas now. The Marina Hotel, another spot where I had had a failure. Reached "Minar", yeah they still serve the best Butter Chicken in the country, but I guess my relationship with them has ended. It's been some time since I last had non-veg :). Healthy eating habits is what I keep telling every one :). Kake da Hotel, Bhape da Hotel, they are all still therel.

Reflecting over everything, I had this strange desire to give God a face that moment. I knew Hanuman Mandir was open late at night. Reached the parking lot on the opposite road. It was pitch dark. Only the flower shop was open. Yeah the Marriage season, the bouquets become hot cakes. As luck would have it, I found a parking spot bang opposite "Gurjari", The Gujarat Govt. Shop. Bloody hell, why doesn't Gujarat leave me alone. Next to it was the Coffee Home, The cheapest place to sit and relax in CP. I have had my share of Coffees there.

I crossed the Mosque just opposite Hanuman Mandir while crossing the road. The irony of it was hard to miss. A mosque bang opposite a temple and I was using the parking lot for the mosque to go to the temple. Whom was I trying to fool. I could hear God laugh at me as I tried to run after one name while crossing another home of his. I reached the temple to be snubbed by the guard, "Budhwar ko mandir 10 baje band ho jata hai" (the temple closes at 10 on Wednesdays). I couldn't help but smile at the stupidity of mine. Of course Gods in temples need to sleep. Oh, how I easily I had forgotten that the bugger in my heart slept, wokeup, ate, cried, laughed with me whenever I wanted him to. Yeah he is supposed to be faceless.

I came back to the parking lot and came the lot attendant. A Giant of a man. I asked him, What was he doing at this unholy hour. He just smiled. I paid him the money. I am sure it went into his booty for his daily dose of Smack. "Thand bahut hai sahab, chai Piyenge?" (It's quite cold sir, would you like to have some tea?) he offered. Wiser counsel prevailed and I refused his offer.

Moving out of the parking lot I turned towards home. Withinn a minute I reached the magnificent, the regal, Guradwara Bangla Sahib. I just couldn't garner the courage to go in, though knew I wouldn't be refused entry there. And just 50 steps away is the Sacred Heart Cathedral. One of the most beautiful churches I have seen anywhere. The scene is just awesome on Sunday mornings in winters. I just couldn't miss the beauty of all that. A temple, a mosque, a gurudwara and a church all in a radius of 200 metres. Yup, 200 metres. Maybe it was the first time I was noticing it that closely. Maybe it was the first time I wanted to see it that closely. I thought of Delhi again and Jama Masjid came to mind, and the Jain temple just next to it, Gurudwara Sisganj 10 metres ahead. Dad had told me sometime that there even was a church somewhere down the road. Of course Delhi has a rich culture. What would others know of it. Religious harmony, tolerance is all crap. The very fact that Gods with different names could co-exist so close to each other is a slap on the face of those who believe humans can't co-exist.

In a strange way a few things saddened me a little more. But then it also made me realise the correctness of my convictions in life.

I turned back to have a view of them all again. Also drove through the inner circle of CP after a long time. PVR has taken up Plaza & Rivoli. They looked different. The inner circle has also changed a lot. It's become quite beautiful and with the underground Metro Station CP is rocking these days. Oh, how I miss those once in three month trips to palika with S & R. I don't need all the shit that's coming my way. I'd be happy with that Rs. 5 kachori next to Hanuman Mandir, that bottle of flavored milk at Keventers, that aimless roaming in CP and Palika, that endless bargaining over CDs, those trips down Janpath. I want them back. And I'm sure going to ISB I'll not get them. Yup, there are a lot many confusions in life. ISB too has become one of them.

I drove back home in various phases of highs & lows. Delhi at night does offer a few stark contrasts that I'm sure I would have missed in the day. The road opposite a five star hotel being repaired by a men in tatters. A man was placed just to guide cars and he kept standing there waving his red flag. He was guiding the most splendid of cars coming on the road. I couldn't understand whom was he trying to save the cars & their owners or himself and his co-workers. Maybe all, maybe none - he was just earning his living.

Was stopped midway by a Delhi Police PCR. The gentleman was quite drunk. A few routine questions, a fifty rupee note and he left me alone.

Reached home quite late, everyone was asleep. 3 bells to wake up my folks. No one said anything about coming late. Yeah, it's hard to be disowned. But then life moves on. "It goes on" Robert Frost it was, yeah I think it was him.

k let's take it the funny way....

There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.

There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse!

The above two quotes somehow reveal perfectly the mental state I'm in. Add to it a total lack of communication, if we discount horrible emotional outbursts. Add a hell lotta denial and you know life is turning horrible.

Hidden emotional blackmails. Apprehensions going to a scale where it becomes impossible to even discuss. Losing patience. Immense time pressures. Disaster of course is never far away. Trust me I learnt it the hard way.

But somehow I believed in the "Alchemist". Yeah the stupid book by Paulo Coelho. I believed in a few very stupid movies. So leaving hope becomes just so difficult.

Enjoying life, well, these days I'd really like to know how to do it. Nothing is going right, yup nothing is going right (someone suggested then try going left!!!...:)). But then I have even lost my sense of direction.

Add to it some really provocative statements. Lots of confusion. A big dash of weakness (elsewhere). And an almost empty bank account. Bills staring you down and credit card limits being exhausted. Work pressure greeting you along with the guilt of doing nothing at all.

Reflecting over everything. Nothing was wrong. Just a small turn and things went so horribly wrong. But then I have brought life back to track so many times and I know I can do it again but then opening minds is difficult than breaking mountains. Relative truths becoming stronger than real truths is a sure shot sign of disaster and that is what happens when minds refuse to open up. Wrong timing, yup that's what I've been told. Now how can I take time back, maybe a few things have to move up and catch up with time.

Losing balance is what they call it. Bloody hell, OK, I have lost balance, now someone tell me how to regain it. There's a so apparent easy way out but I have to take the long tortuous way out. What's the point???. I'll try and find it and put it in the next post.

"..its the test of desire...that's what life is"...bloody hell...i keep running into statements like this...but it's true...isn't it??

The sun temple at Modhera....one of the shots i liked...

hmmm...it's all in the name of God...My God...your God

yeah...this was something i had been avoiding for a long time.....religion is afterall so personal to everyone...but this post has a background to it....:)...there's actually another post that i have finished today morning after around 3 days....i'll hold it for some time.....before posting it....i don't know what am i trying to hide....but yeah I'm hurt....

hmm....when i look back in history...and as little knowledge as i have of it.....we evolved from monkeys...to apes...to whatever we are today....and there never was any religion for a long long time...comeon animals are still not hindus, muslims or the lot...it has to be understood or atleast i believe so...Religion came into being only after Human consciousness....God got a name and a face then...before that the unknown power existed and still does and would probably continue to exist after humanity..the key word is unknown..maybethe better word could be unexplained.....and i am very sure that this unknown is very different from the idea of God/energy that any religion in the world proclaims to define.... a small example...lightning was considered evil and was in some way attached to divinity...and was feared....when science explained it, the unknown/unexplained became a logical happening and somehow divinity was taken away from the phenomenon...comeon think last time you thought of god when you heard thunder....i maybe rush for my camera at times...:)

so how was that religions developed???...i have a feeling it was more regional than anything else...people scared of common enemies...and bound by same habits...started living a certain lifestyle...this lifestyle also had to have space for the unknown power making everything tick...the idea of God formed and a face was developed for it in every region....with conquests regions lost boundaries and the winners' "religion" or more correctly their lifestyle spread...GOD essentially was the name for the unknown/unexplained power....religions do claim to explain this unknown...but if every religion has an explanation is it possible to believe one and reject the other....comeon rationality has to have a space...and rationality says that everyone has a right to express and it is accepted that all religions and definitions of God ultimately are to bind humankind together....the basics all remain the same...so there is a case for all religions to co-exist...and they are co-existing....else we would have had only one religion in the world...ahh!!! wudn't then the world be a beautiful place...but knowing the fertile human mind...i am sure we would find differences to fight over....

Somehow, over time the lifestyle has come to be defined more so by the definition of GOD rather than the other way round....this to me was all because of human intervention in a somewhat normal evolutionary process....i mean how is it possible that two different lifestyles meet and they find differences rather than the so apparent similarities....man by nature is not hostile....that is how we could reach the population levels we have... all wars in the world were the desire for power of a few men....we would be fooling ourselves if we believe it was anything else...and if differences surface because of religion...can we call it anything but a desire for power...maybe the apostles...the earlier leaders did not desire power but the very fact the religion stops a few interactions in modern times shows it is again a quest for influence....who would need a pandit...if all hindus became muslims...and who would need a maulvi if all muslims became hindus......or better still....who would need a godman if all humans became spiritual....:)...so i never expect any godman to encourage interaction with followers of any other religion....but in a small way... isn't it hollow...

so what's the way to live life...with all these "differences"...well we could choose to help people live their lifestyle to the best of our abilities with all freedom....giveup a few things if needed to make things go through....but not really expecting the other to change for us....yeah it sounds bookish....but then is there another way....the other way is to impose urself on others...criticise their lifestyle and prove urs to be better...and stop all interaction....in short "breed hostility"....at whatever small a level...hostility is hostility....and this probably goes against the basic teachings of all religions...

if god willed all life to eat the same things....he wouldn't have created so many beings...tell a lion and a deer to have the same food....one would not be able to survive ...but both do...in the same world....under the same sun...drinking the same water...under the same "GOD"(irrespective of the religion of the observer) means God did not build restrictions for anyone...

so God is not the one prohibiting different lifestyles....so different lifestyles can meet???...i believe with a few adjustments they can....and a few sacrifices here and there...life can become so beautiful...humans after all are not living to just eat....and the human will to explore is the paramount....if it were not for the will to explore and adapt...we would still have been living on trees....and the exploration is not limited to just lands....the more basic is the exploration of other humans....i do it..

yeah i write this because i am hurt....deeply hurt....My god...is goodness...the goodness i see in myself every day...the goodness i see in others every day....and how i live life is so small a part of it...which can change so easily.....and my god...my nameless/faceless buddy is more interested in what i do with people....

they say adapting could be tough....hmmm...tough???...what is easy any ways....and what is GOD for...if he can't even let you live in slightly different circumstances....is that belief really strong enough???....nah this question is not meant for anyone...:)

well...i'll miss the dilemma i wud have loved to have had...

bloody fools.....i can't really help their bad luck....yeah...the CAT results are out....last year they told me i didn't know maths....this year they say i don't know english...yeah two years in arow...one section screws me.......are these buggers nuts...all these coaching sites gave me 2-3 calls....but alas...i'll have none....

yeah it would have been tough to decide between IIMA & ISB....:-))....but thankfully this dilemma would not appear....but this is something i wud have loved to have had....so ISB...here I come....and IIMs...u lost the last chance i gave you....pity you cudn't even talk to me...:)

yeah this failure wud rankle for some time......but i guess....thats the way it'd be...:)

the cold and cloudy new year...and the bucket of hot water....

well the new year is here....Happy New Year!!!!....its cold..and cloudy.....howzzat it was so wonderfully sunny yesterday and i was planning to sit in the delhi sunshine (which may not be possible for a few days now....i move to Ahmedabad today evening....and to Hyderabad in three months...)....and continue my lazy...oblivious to the world reading....but the weather had other ideas.....

no-one's home...everyone's out to some work....i have filled a bucket of hot water about one third.....soaking my feet in it....and surfing the net....maan life is beautiful.....

it'll be back to work from tomorrow....i have to hand over charge....to whom...i don't know.....i have to train someone to take from me...."knowledge transfer" is the better term i believe.... The current job has been good....i have learnt a lot in the last one year...i have acted as HOD for IT...technical knowledge apart....there've been learnings in general professional life as well...handling different bosses...handling a budget of a few hundred lacs...showing authority....getting approvals....playing games....yeah its been good...can i teach to it anyone...nah..they'll learn it themselves....

ping-pong...its a beautiful game....a beautiful concept actually....there are many things in life that can be compared to it....maybe all...yeah maybe there's a ping pong game somewhere.....

what else...this visit to delhi was the laziest i have had...moved out of home only twice...thrice maybe.....enjoyed the sunshine....a novel....met a few...very few friends....the last of them is getting married in two months..had few drinks...lesser discussions....am quite looking forward to going back to....god knows where.....

it's a funny feeling when home town starts feeling different...a stranger at times...Delhi has always been home...in times good & bad....but it seemed a stranger this time...as if i didn't know it at all...resist as i may i am being alienated to delhi...i hope not for long....i wanna move back to this crazy....extreme weathered..rude....inhuman ....lively...city again...very very soon....but i guess it is still one and a half year away...atleast....hmmm...le's see.....

Ahmedabad's been nice to me.....though i have had a few of my scariest...most lonely moments there....the memories are happy and sad....more good than bad....the city's good...the pace is just what you need for a comfortable life...small enough to have single shops selling specialities....there's one famous shop for almost all delicacies....the girls were..well not up there...but then i went there with a different mindset and a different purpose.....and the festivities....the joint families....made you fell happy but with that feeling of being lonely at the most inappropriate time....but it was good....enjoyed my stay there....guess would enjoy it even more in my last (well...apparaently...though i sincerely hope not...) three months there...

well some things look better without a conclusion......