My last Saturday in office, well atleast for an year. I'm moving out of the city soon. Moving on with life, heading back to pursuit of knowledge in order to earn more money. Yeah it sounds, too hollow. But maybe that is the way I am.
Leaving this city is turning out to be a strange experience, there's a part of me that wants to stay rooted here for ever...maybe in some hope and there's the other who just wants to rush out of here, maybe never to come back.
I fear the second me would win in this battle.....but then I have already surrendered to a lot many things...let this be another....
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 09, 2007
It hurts...
The "Whys" hurt. The "Hows" hurt. The thinking hurts. But then these are probably the result of my expectations.
Mahatma Gandhi said "No one can hurt you, unless you allow them to." Yeah, my expectations allowed a few people/events/situations to hurt me. So ultimately I come down to blaming myself. Yup, it's a clear signal I'm headed back towards sanity. The best part about blaming oneself is that the remedies are easily found/available. The courage to follow them is slightly scarce. But then it does come.
Someone told me that its only the ego which is hurt. Hmmm....nah it does go somewhat deep and it hurts at other places. But then the gain has been that I found the cause for the hurt- I, Me, myself. Now, if the cause is so clear the solution can definitely not be far.
Read it on one of the posts...remove the rights and wrongs and nothing's wrong then...Hmmm....but then how does it take the pain away???
In a strange way I have started smiling a bit. Yeah, genuine smiles. I just imagine myself two years down the line and laughing at this time like a total jackass. Maybe even sharing it with a few other buggers drunk like hell (except me, I 'd like to believe I've quit), maybe listening to Menhdi Hasan. Gawd What's with the guy, you never enjoy him at the times when it makes sense to enjoy him. Yeah maybe life's like that...:-)
Is life looking up? Not really. A very very lonely weekend is loomig ahead. Am I afraid? You bet I am, shit scared. But then I usually look up at problems in their worst form, so maybe it'll be slightly less lonely. But sitting here in office after everyone's left listening to a few good songs does make life good. Tommorow would be better. I don't even believe myself when I say that.:-)
If any of the buggers reading this have my phone number, then do call me. I'm not calling up anyone over the weekend.
B called-up in the morning. Facing problems with his girl. Hmmm...stupid people....afraid of committments. Bloody hell, take the plunge. How the hell can I help?? But yeah I think they'll get married soon. God bless them. (yeah do it.)
I have started gaining weight again. The early mornings just add to the guilt as I just waste them. The jogging stopped long ago. Yeah it's been almost 2 months since I went out. But then I'm afraid of morning walks too. I have to start it again, I can't keep running away.
Talked to Dad yesterday. It'd been a long long time. Yeah even he's a bit of an egoist. I had to make the phone call. He told me to come back to Delhi. I just feel suffocated there. I really can't imagine going back to Delhi in the near future. Yeah I have started to fear the city I have loved throughout my life. But I guess I'd go back after sis's exams are over. Maybe for a week. But even thinking of that gives me jitters.
I've to start reading again. It's been a really long time since I picked up a book. Hell, I don't even read the papers properly these days. I'll start with the newspapaer tommorow. I beleive the world cup can't be really far away. Hell, How can I lose track of that???
I remember the verse from Pyasa "Tang aa chuke hain kashmkashein zindagi se hum, thukra na dein jahaan ko kahin bekhudi mein hum." ..."ubhrenge ek baar abhi dil ke walwale, maana ki dab gaye hain gham-e-zindagi se hum."... of course the heart would not stop beating by itself. It'll dream again...and maybe see them shatter again....do i care??...maybe i do...but its just the pain that bothers me....achievements stopped making a difference a long time ago....
The pain it is....the truth....but if the exultation didn't last for long...how can this continue beyond a point???.....but it really hurts abhi....khoon bahut hai...tezi se beh bhi raha hai....:)
Mahatma Gandhi said "No one can hurt you, unless you allow them to." Yeah, my expectations allowed a few people/events/situations to hurt me. So ultimately I come down to blaming myself. Yup, it's a clear signal I'm headed back towards sanity. The best part about blaming oneself is that the remedies are easily found/available. The courage to follow them is slightly scarce. But then it does come.
Someone told me that its only the ego which is hurt. Hmmm....nah it does go somewhat deep and it hurts at other places. But then the gain has been that I found the cause for the hurt- I, Me, myself. Now, if the cause is so clear the solution can definitely not be far.
Read it on one of the posts...remove the rights and wrongs and nothing's wrong then...Hmmm....but then how does it take the pain away???
In a strange way I have started smiling a bit. Yeah, genuine smiles. I just imagine myself two years down the line and laughing at this time like a total jackass. Maybe even sharing it with a few other buggers drunk like hell (except me, I 'd like to believe I've quit), maybe listening to Menhdi Hasan. Gawd What's with the guy, you never enjoy him at the times when it makes sense to enjoy him. Yeah maybe life's like that...:-)
Is life looking up? Not really. A very very lonely weekend is loomig ahead. Am I afraid? You bet I am, shit scared. But then I usually look up at problems in their worst form, so maybe it'll be slightly less lonely. But sitting here in office after everyone's left listening to a few good songs does make life good. Tommorow would be better. I don't even believe myself when I say that.:-)
If any of the buggers reading this have my phone number, then do call me. I'm not calling up anyone over the weekend.
B called-up in the morning. Facing problems with his girl. Hmmm...stupid people....afraid of committments. Bloody hell, take the plunge. How the hell can I help?? But yeah I think they'll get married soon. God bless them. (yeah do it.)
I have started gaining weight again. The early mornings just add to the guilt as I just waste them. The jogging stopped long ago. Yeah it's been almost 2 months since I went out. But then I'm afraid of morning walks too. I have to start it again, I can't keep running away.
Talked to Dad yesterday. It'd been a long long time. Yeah even he's a bit of an egoist. I had to make the phone call. He told me to come back to Delhi. I just feel suffocated there. I really can't imagine going back to Delhi in the near future. Yeah I have started to fear the city I have loved throughout my life. But I guess I'd go back after sis's exams are over. Maybe for a week. But even thinking of that gives me jitters.
I've to start reading again. It's been a really long time since I picked up a book. Hell, I don't even read the papers properly these days. I'll start with the newspapaer tommorow. I beleive the world cup can't be really far away. Hell, How can I lose track of that???
I remember the verse from Pyasa "Tang aa chuke hain kashmkashein zindagi se hum, thukra na dein jahaan ko kahin bekhudi mein hum." ..."ubhrenge ek baar abhi dil ke walwale, maana ki dab gaye hain gham-e-zindagi se hum."... of course the heart would not stop beating by itself. It'll dream again...and maybe see them shatter again....do i care??...maybe i do...but its just the pain that bothers me....achievements stopped making a difference a long time ago....
The pain it is....the truth....but if the exultation didn't last for long...how can this continue beyond a point???.....but it really hurts abhi....khoon bahut hai...tezi se beh bhi raha hai....:)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Let's head back.....
They said you'll get bored of it and then start smiling. Hmmm...I actually am sick of these fake smiles. Either I stop them or make them real. The second option does deserve a chance. It'll take its time happening, but then till then I'll keep smiling and laughing the fakes.
Life's stuck-up, where I don't know. But it's stuck up for sure.I am trying my best to force it out of the rut but then I've just become so weak. The mornings are becoming horrible again, the nights have started troubling me too. The sleeplessness is back. I try my utmost to be awake till late in the night to avoid early mornings...but then old habits die hard and am usually up before the sun is out.
Work life is screwed. I have done nothing in the past two months and am bluffing people like hell. Some of them have the power to screw my career beyond recognition. They tell me, I have to come out of this stupidity. I guess I'll start with this. I guess my last year's hard work has saved me till now but I've reached a zone where it starts to get dicey.
Family, I have spoilt it to the level I never had before this. The average phone call home is about 45 seconds in length. Pheww...I need to sort out this. But I guess I should let my sis's exams get over. They are happy to be cold to me as of now and I'd let them be there for some more time. They think I'm on some ego trip and I'll just keep fuelling it for some more time. I don't know if I am being selfish, nah...I'm not.
And yes, we've fought again. God & me. It's for him to make up this time. nah...Don't I know myself.
It's been a funny time. The ones you enjoy two years hence. I thought I had passed that stage in life but I guess a last burst was due. Have i faced it before?? Yeah maybe I have but then that was a great learning experience. I am yet to count my gains out of this. What disturbs me is...am I giving up?? Maybe I am, but then you can't drill in sense to closed minds. In a strange way I'm reluctant to accept others' mistakes but then they have to live with it. Why the hell should I be bothered about their guilty conscience. But yeah maybe even I have my personal motives and that is what troubles me. Expectations, yup that is it. I have kept them low for so many years so they had to take this monstrous shape sometime. I guess they'll come back to a reasonable size with time.
Got to hear of three more marriages in the past three days. hmmm....great show guys keep it running.
So I have to head back. They say "be neutral." Hmmm....let's see. The initial burst is just not happening. I always fear that the original burst would put me into an orbit of negativity that I really want to avoid. So instead of being launched out, I'm walking out of it and that is taking its time. Let's see if we can put time frames on that. I know I have to leave a lot of things in this but then that has never been tough. Am I ready to battle myself again??. ummmm...do i have a choice?? Maybe I do....but I guess it's been enough, so let's head back...to where?? well the stupid place called world where money, promotions, performance appraisals, applause, careers, society, etiquette and all the crap becomes important again and the wild heart learns to live a timid tame life. I really do like life's sense of humour. Come beat me again I am ready to surrender.
Life's stuck-up, where I don't know. But it's stuck up for sure.I am trying my best to force it out of the rut but then I've just become so weak. The mornings are becoming horrible again, the nights have started troubling me too. The sleeplessness is back. I try my utmost to be awake till late in the night to avoid early mornings...but then old habits die hard and am usually up before the sun is out.
Work life is screwed. I have done nothing in the past two months and am bluffing people like hell. Some of them have the power to screw my career beyond recognition. They tell me, I have to come out of this stupidity. I guess I'll start with this. I guess my last year's hard work has saved me till now but I've reached a zone where it starts to get dicey.
Family, I have spoilt it to the level I never had before this. The average phone call home is about 45 seconds in length. Pheww...I need to sort out this. But I guess I should let my sis's exams get over. They are happy to be cold to me as of now and I'd let them be there for some more time. They think I'm on some ego trip and I'll just keep fuelling it for some more time. I don't know if I am being selfish, nah...I'm not.
And yes, we've fought again. God & me. It's for him to make up this time. nah...Don't I know myself.
It's been a funny time. The ones you enjoy two years hence. I thought I had passed that stage in life but I guess a last burst was due. Have i faced it before?? Yeah maybe I have but then that was a great learning experience. I am yet to count my gains out of this. What disturbs me is...am I giving up?? Maybe I am, but then you can't drill in sense to closed minds. In a strange way I'm reluctant to accept others' mistakes but then they have to live with it. Why the hell should I be bothered about their guilty conscience. But yeah maybe even I have my personal motives and that is what troubles me. Expectations, yup that is it. I have kept them low for so many years so they had to take this monstrous shape sometime. I guess they'll come back to a reasonable size with time.
Got to hear of three more marriages in the past three days. hmmm....great show guys keep it running.
So I have to head back. They say "be neutral." Hmmm....let's see. The initial burst is just not happening. I always fear that the original burst would put me into an orbit of negativity that I really want to avoid. So instead of being launched out, I'm walking out of it and that is taking its time. Let's see if we can put time frames on that. I know I have to leave a lot of things in this but then that has never been tough. Am I ready to battle myself again??. ummmm...do i have a choice?? Maybe I do....but I guess it's been enough, so let's head back...to where?? well the stupid place called world where money, promotions, performance appraisals, applause, careers, society, etiquette and all the crap becomes important again and the wild heart learns to live a timid tame life. I really do like life's sense of humour. Come beat me again I am ready to surrender.
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