Feeling alive again....

so its been a long time....and much has happened....started with the job within a week of leaving campus....started hating it from day-one....tried to force myself to like it...tried for three months...found a new job....joined it...worked hard for a couple of months...the recession set in...am under relatively less pressure...so am back to typing out some nonsense


Looking back....i think i have done all that anyone out of a half-decent b-school does...splurged money...on many things from parents to self to home to women.....saved a bit....changed a job....thought of a couple of business plans...gave up on them...gained weight ...lost it....and passed through a phase of feeling blank...completely blank..

and looking back at the last two years...just lost life somewhere down there....they say the unconscious remembers more than the conscious....but here even the body...the unconsciou had forgotten what it felt to live...abida's singing, ghalib's writing, gulzar's movies...nothing seemed to matter...and it was turning out to be a bland existence...where almost nothing mattered....got through ISB, a job, a job change, a few half-baked non-sensical associations....without much sweat...rather without even the urge to make an effort....and honestly i didnt even think it was bad...except that i wasnt enjoying the existence and i reasoned half the darn world lived like this and i had to get into this mode of living a 'normal' life....

and then it happened....a couple of weeks...maybe a month ago....driving down to office....after jogging for around 8 kms...playing nusrat in the car....a chill went down the spine on a particular line....it felt awkward....almost alien....but something about it made me smile....played the line again...and i smiled again....tried a different song....and at another line...felt the chill again....the unconscious just hit a memory bank of happiness the body reacted the way it used to, years ago....i just got to know what it felt like being alive again....

life's just turned better since then....have been enjoying almost everything i have been doing...and have been doing a few stupid things as well (wud reveal them in subsequent posts)....and the chill going down the spine is back.....around twice daily....:)...I am back to being alive...and enjoying the existence...

...in very strange way...know that this would not last for very long...but this time it just doesn't hurt....guess have come alive with intelligent senses which just started to cut out the painful bits out of life....so as of now am making the best of every moment i am living....and someone somewhere (whose existence I am not sure of) is helping me do it....:)

reading it again...the post looks a bit awkward & outta place....but have cut all the unnecessary details....the post is just to remind me of the time i am in.....and i am sure the details wudnt matter when i read it a few months from now....:)

so went the placements...

Hmmm....I guess this has been due for some time....

The placement season went as expected.....with ofcourse a brilliant blunder from me....
I thought I played the game quite well....but ofcourse...As it is did not receive any I-Banking shortlists....so banking it had to be.....wanted a job by the end of day one...had it with one of the largest banks in the world....at a relatively high level....paying me awesome money.....the only catch....it is in consumer banking....

Day 2.....went all out....had a few interesting interviews....was at my arrogant best.....landed up a job in corporate banking....with the fastest growing Indian private sector bank.....

as per the process students have to sign the form twice....one showing willingness to receive an offer....second to accept the offer....each student could "receive" two offers and "accept" one.....but for an offer to count the student should have signed the willingness to recieve offer....Now the first bank was in a hurry to leave....so i did not sign my willingness to receive the offer....though they left the offer with placement office while leaving.....so "technically".....it did not count as one of my offers....though really i had a job in hand......after day2.....i thought i had two offers and was out of the process....though "technically" i could have attended interviews on day 3 as well.......as it is....a few second rung I-Banks came on day 3.....and would u believe it....had walk-ins.....and I did not go for any thinking I had two offers......so went my "I-banking-job-from-the-campus dreams"

Anyways...for the job.....i after many delibrations...chose the second job....because "that is what I want to do"....despite the charm of the brand, money and a higher position....I painfully let go of the first offer.....though i have heard their offer is still valid....

It's that time of the year again......

Yup...the first day of the year again....'Happy New Year'

The first thing I did after getting up was pull the curtains apart...and yeah there was sunshine today...:-).....ma'an i just love the sun....this was quite different from last year.....an absolute contrast actually....I was more hopeful then and actually looking forward to something...the year turned out...ummm...it could have been just a bit better....:).....well i slept peacefully yesterday after a very long time....hope the sunshine sets the tone of this year....

back to nowhere....headed nowhere....but still happy....

So it's been a long time again....and i choose the best time to do everything.....

have a mid-term exam (a take home due in 11 hours)....am yet to even read it.....yeah i like living on the edge....:)

am in a very stupid state of mind....am delirious....am hurt....am ecstatic...am depressed....want something desperately....i know i wouldn't get it.....but in a very strange way...am not sad....but am quite happy...:)

things have stopped affecting me.....i have a feeling a big dip is just around the corner.....and this time i'll crash big time....

ok...so what happened now??....well life tried to make me laugh again....with its awesome sense of humour....just that this time it got me angry....i mean i am dragging along my life my way....sommeone calls out....i go out of curiosity and they kick me in the groin....what the hell bugger??...did i ask for it??....and yeah i am supposed to laugh at it.....ha ha...ok so that takes care of the negative side....

just the other day was on a flight from delhi to hyderabad....and it was really late in the night...almost everyone was asleep.....i was wide awake.....just as we were about to land...the plane shook vigorously....hmmm...some fear!!!....but then in the next thirty seconds i got a realisation that had me smiling and i have not stopped since...i lived the maslow's need hierarchy theory in reverse....as in what all needs the person leaves....i certainly don't want to leave a legacy...so level 5 is out....i don't have any self esteem needs....there goes level 4....i haven't made friends for a long time....so level 3 is out as well....i have seen a few people at this level ....where they can't leave the security and physiological needs.....well so coming back to the plane....the thought just occured to me....what if death was about 30 seconds away....and i didn't feel a thing...no fear....I like to belive for the next 2 minutes....i conquered the need for security...and level 2 was out as well for me....part of it could have been because i was helpless....but trust me i know what being helpless means....for those two minutes i was in an orbit where nothing seemed to matter.....thus the happiness....

the god part about the experience has been that it has taken away my anxieties about many things in life....but has also made me complacent....i have stopped caring about so many things....i walk late into classes...walk out when i feel bored....CP has gone for a toss...i don't even know if teachers exist.....and it doesn't bother me....

talked to a friend from the study-group....she tried to talk me out of this "loser" mentality....ha ha ha....if this is losing, then what is winning??...

But i think she is right....the life i have chosen for myself....this is what they call losing.....so would try and come out of it...:)

as of now, its just emptiness....am looking back at nothing....am looking forward to nothing....am excited about nothing....am depressed about nothing.....am happy about nothing....am furious about a few, very few things......but then i guess even this anger would fizzle out.....:)

And this is what i came across about humour by Mark Twain....fits the life's sense of humour to perfection....

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

yeah...i love my own little hell...naah....

A few dates....a few movies...a few songs...a few people...a few memories...

hmmm....i don't really remember dates...or movies....or songs and the lot....

But these two were special....Mani ratnam & A R Rahman.....

I first heard of these two in 1995...."Bombay" released that year..April 7, 1995....the songs were amazing..."kehna hi kya"....uuufff......I couldn't bring myself to hear that song for a long long time....yeah...i had spent April 5, 1995..a wednesday... with someone special....and a few things hurt......i gave up on Rahman...

And then again....January 12, 2007...."Guru" released....again Mani Ratnam and A R Rahman....amazing music..."Aye Hairathe"....a killer again....and January 10, 2007....a wednesday again....and in many ways again a day i'll remember for some time....I did give up on rahman again.....:)

But I heard it today....and it felt good.....this post is just to remember the moment.....

a walk in the rain...

Yeah i have copied the heading...sue me....

It happened....quite impulsively.....the sound was amazing....the sudden downpour.....i went to the window....and the view was breadthtaking....it was pouring like i have not seen for a long long time....i opened the window...and just walked out....there was this super intelligent me, telling me to go back....its exams in two days, right!!!.....hah...b**** to you i said and walked in the rain....again....the kid just peeped out for those five minutes.....

I had forgotten the sensation when the drops make their way through the clothes and the first touch....aah the killer....and the then there's the flood....everywhere that touch....that wet, cold, harsh yet engulfing touch....i could forget everything...yup everything (and i do have a bagful) for those five minutes....it was fun to be a child again...:)

living the strategic life.....

hmmm...so term two has started...an we have strategy courses...and the marketing startegy game...wow..me strategy....awesome....:)

I really try to link myself and strategy...but really can't go beyond the incident last week....

Last exam and rushed out of college to the airport...to catch a 6:40 flight....reached the airport around 6:00...walked to the check-in counter with a typical MBA swagger and attitude...and the following is the conversation....

Me: Hi (handing over the ticket)

Lady at the counter: (smiling)...hi (How I wish, I could boast I charmed her into that smile, but my experience tells me better)

The very next moment, the lady gives me a 'wierd-confused-horrified-oh what a nut' look...

Hell, OK I am..used to getting such looks...but this was too quick even by my standards....I mean a simple plain 'Hi' can't trigger it....

Me: I am sorry, I understand I am slightly late..(see the brilliant me, that's the best I could come up with)
Lady: (smiling again) No Sir, you are quite late

I hate this 'Sir' word....it ususally is followed by something not necessarily pleasant....

Me: (with the confused look)....sorry!!??

Lady: Yeah, your flight left at 6:40 in the morning...

Me: !!!!????....You serious???

Lady: Yes sir, this ticket is for the 6:40 morning flight....

Well half an hour of running around...meeting a few people....giving the gareeb student...mom's not well story...paying up 500 bucks.... I had a seat on the next flight....

and then this thought...hell, I can't even book my tickets properly....and strategy...!!!...well but none of those buggers into strategic thinking book their tickets themselves..... do they??

so yeah i do have a chance...:)

Why the hell am I here???

Yup, that's what I ask myself every second day....and the stupid part is I don't really get an answer. Infact I can only ask myself - if not here, then where would I rather be???

It's strange to live without a dream. I don't really see myself going anywhere. At times I felt this was the best state to be in, and even aspired to be in that, but then it's no fun beyond a point.

ISB is fake...or rather the people here are fake. It's tough to live with all smiling faces around. Add to it the 'genius' in all of them, you reach a different planet. Egos are big..:-).

I went into the kitchen the other night. It's huge. Met two 'extra-hands', the people who are not actually into cooking and all but for other stuff like cutting vegetables, cleaning stuff and all. All they aspire to be is that smallest assistant to the chef. They have been here 3 years just living that dream. Yeah, life is relative. I just can't get the right perspective.

Attended a photography, lecture the other night. Hell....i know nothing of photography....yeah not even how to hold the camera properly...:)...nice one...would probably go to a few more...

What else..mom had an accident, a serious one last week....broke her arm...was in the hospital for 'bout 3 days..i was not told...yeah, nice...it made no sense to 'disturb' me....:-)....i don't know how to react....the only thing I asked myself last night was....If I can't go to her when I am a student....would I be able to do it when I have professional responsibilities....:-)...maybe, maybe not...hence the question 'Why the hell am I here??? - yeah maybe to move on in life, leave a few people behind, and find a happy life....worth it???....i don't know....the stupid part is the world believes it is....and I feel i would fall in line soon....:)

Hell, I hate it.....

Exams...the first at ISB

It's a new feeling.....not doing well in an exam and not feeling guilty....:-)....hell...it's my own money I am wasting now....:)

Yeah, had the first set of exams in ISB today....buggers 2.5 weeks and they have a being called Mid-Term Exam!!!....Had it for 2 subjects....well didn't go to the heights I expected them to...but were not too bad. Le's see.

It's strange when people have their first failure. Met a few people, who just clouldn't believe they had not done well on an exam. Poor souls, yeah it's harsh reality. Failures do exist, and to be honest, they exist much more than the illusion called success. The first learning from ISB for them, I presume.

The good part about relative grading is that if everyone does bad, you can still hope to land somewhere decent. But there are always those "outliers", buggers - they spoil it for everyone. Le's see.

Life was very good this past week. A bit hectic, slept 5 hours per day (average), but then it took me back to being a student again. I am still not getting that required kick. But I think it has started to set in....hopefully by the time next exams come in - 2 weeks to end terms - I'd be in combat mode....and more importantly the mood.

I still don't know what I am looking at ahead but the good part is that I'm leaving the past behind. The more I leave, the more convinced I am of me being correct and the easier it becomes....hah...I am an egoist...:-)

ZZZoooomm.....that's the sound of a passing weekend...

zooooom....yeah that's how the weekend went....try saying that out....zzzoooom.......yeah it makes a nice sound...living it is slightly tougher....

Had plans to study. The operative word being "had". It didn't turn out as expected. Bloody assignments. It's tough being a student again. I thought IMT was the last I had seen of books. I don't really like those fat, coloured things teasing me from the bookshelf. Trust me, they are monsters in themselves and they throw up the bait every day as if saying "Come have me if you can." And poor me I keep thinking I'll win and try going after them everyday. Buggers they have been winning over me for this past week.

Interestingly over the weekend, I realised I had a few responsibilities towards a few people in life. I don't really know how could I have missed out on those. I was too involved in my personal issues for the past 9 years. Yup, June 9, 1998 it was when failure first hit me. I just went into my personal shell and was just too reluctant to come out after that. Failures just became a routine after that. I'd like to believe I'm blessed. Aiming for the moon, I usually landed amongst the stars. But in all of this, I left behind a few people who may have needed me at times. Yeah, I like the sound of it..."needed me"...:). I guess I have to take it up now. It's been too long that I have lived this lonely selfish life. I want to go back now. I have to help a few people find their way. I don't really know if I am needed anymore but what the heck, I'll try and do it anyway.

I am not enjoying ISB. Usually happens with me everywhere. I didn't like college for almost an year. I hated IMT the first year. Ahmedabad was hell for the first 6 months. I take my time getting used to places and liking them. I just have one year here...I hope I begin to start liking this place before I leave. At times I feel I am stopping myself from enjoying a few things, which I think I can enjoy. But I really am reluctant to leave my shell and walk out. I have been having long restive sleeps. I don't know if that makes sense but that's the way it's been. I have been sleeping long hours but am not sleeping well.

Maybe my mind needs a few responsibilities to get into combat mode. I think I have had a lazy, "I care a damn" life for too long. I need to get back into action. I have made a mental note of a few things I need to do on a regular basis. Let's see if I can keep to it.They told me I owe it to a few people. I hate this owing business...but ok let's give it a try....

So went the first week...

hmmm...so one week into the MBA....nothing too great. I'm not even sure when was I more disturbed at the start or at the end of the week !!!

OK. Le's see - 4 subjects mktg., Acc, Eco & stats. Mktg should be manageable, lots of reading and lot of bakar...but the beauty is nothing is wrong...so should not really be too big a problem. Accounts...seems Ok till now...maybe would practice a few questions over the weekend. Eco...hmmm...I've done the theory but buggers this is a maths paper...shouldn't be too bad. Stats...this would be the killer. All new topics and I usually lose the professor after about half the class. Let's see if I can pull it back over the weekend....but honestly this is the only subject I'm worried about in the first term.

The week was an eye opener in many other ways. Boy I have become so used to being the way I have been, i just can't keep study after 11:00. The moment i open a book, the eyes just shut by themselves.

The one year MBA is actually a stupid course. They have compressed everything into such a short period, the pace is just too much to keep up with. Bloody hell, I have almost 200 pages of pre-reads every day and add to it the cases we are supposed to solve before the class. It really is tough. I have to really shake off this air of comfort and get down to serious business.

The good part here is that it is a four day week so the pre-read shit is only for four nights. But the extended weekend is not so good either what with three assignments lined up for monday morning submissions, the buggers have given me enough on my plate for three days. Add to it a guest lecture on saturday and the Leadership crap for half of friday, the weekend is already short.

Am I enjoying it??...not really...am just not feeling motivated enough to give it my all. Personally - I'd like to believe I'm coming on well except for ....forget it. At times I feel I'm writing more because I just wanna make sure the posts of the past three months are consigned to archives soon...:)...

What else, the biggest worry these days is to find a way to survive on 6 hour sleep days. trust me I'm failing miserably. I just need some motivation to kick start me....heck...it's only 10 months...comeon I need this last burst of energy....it'll happen for sure...just that i want it to start soon.

The Grind starts....

Hmmm...so my journey to the centre of the (corporate) world began today. The core terms started today. Two classes, both after lunch. Bloody hell...2 hour classes. I had serious doubts if I'd be able to sit through them. Thankfully, I could.

I have often heard MBA students talk about the "aha"momement, there was none for me today. I hope I have a few of them soon else I'll lose interest in this stupid thing and then passing an year would be quite tough. what the heck its just eleven months. But then eleven months to what???....I really don't know. I am quite sure I don't wanna go to Delhi now. It is really tough there. But then I also don't want to live alone anymore. So I don't really know what am I looking forward to. I have signed up for 4 different clubs as of now...all leading to very diverse careers...:)...yup I am confused or to be honest I haven't and don't wanna apply my mind to my career. I seriously am not looking forward to anything. In a way, it is good - no expectations, no hassles. But the fact is I would have to make a choice sooner than later, I just have 1 year here to be myself again.

Coming back to the classes today. Had marketing and Accounts today. Marketing was...well ok..nothing too exciting. I don't really know how can people make it a subject to study. accounts was Ok....nothing new....quite manageable.

have around 200 pages of pre-reads before tomorrow's classes - Eco & Stats. Bloody hell I wasted the whole of last week...shud have read something at least...but then I guess the break was needed...

what else...people tell me the profs are good...hope they have it in them to refine me....

Shit it ended....or is it....Shit ended

I have been quite a fan of life's sense of humor. If not anything, it has at least taught me that losing also has a funny side to it. The only problem is that I keep seeing this side too often for my liking. But wait a minute. What the heck!!!...how do I keep considering other's losses as my loss. Bloody hell a few people lose me...that's their bloody problem. nah..I don't really have the egoist's notion of being one of the most desirable beings in the world, but honestly I am not that bad a company for most people who know me.

Well the background to this is simple, a few people take a few steps which seem like hell to me but they actually are the ones I'd like to thank a few years from now. The strange part is that for a few of their stupid troubles I am being held responsible. Wow...I have never really experienced so much negativity flowing my way. And buggers it was all unexplained, unexplained to me...and tragically unexplained to them. Frustrations in life, they kept theirs piling up..they came out at the first instance they were allowed to and the liberation was too much for them. The freshness was too much to handle. Of course I couldn't have taken care of frustrated people. At one point I could just pity them.

I learnt there exist people for whom their own words can be so frivolous. Comeon we all lie...but what the heck there's always a context and a limit. Do I blame it on their language, education...a bit harshly..on their upbringing...or rather simply...their frustrations in life. I believe it's a combination of all. Yes I was troubled because maybe I judged actions/words from the standards I keep for myself. But what the heck ....(Sh)it ended.

Another gain...I quit drinking....trust me i have never felt better....what the heck...i have had around 12 parties in the last 3 months...not a drop of alcohol...wow....but trust me...beyond a point, even fruit juice tastes pathetic...so yeah I am on a lookout for non alcoholic drinks at parties....

And of course the biggest gain out of it....the urge to be good or rather to be seen as good can be such a weakness....Gawd people who can't take care of themselves can be guided by this notion and come to "help" others...and ultimately do something so silly that the farce is easily visible.

and yes, closed minds are the worst of God's creation....as it is we can't explain anything to anyone beyond their mental capabilities...but when people decide not to use even that...then not even God can help....

And of course I have come to know of my support system....maan its awesome....people though not supporting my goal were/are always there for me....I had to dig deep into myself to come out with a false arrogant face to avoid help....though i did fail on a few occasions...but the confidence of them being there...was an awesome feeling....there are too many people to name here...so let's just leave it there....and the beauty of it is that i got to know that there exist people who'd support you only if you did what they liked...I'd better have no support than that support....

There have also been a few losses....I lost my confidence for a few days....my rationality & balance for a few more...but most of all the loss of emotions....I have been told that just like other things your emotions are numbered...they are not to be wasted everywhere....i probably did waste a handful...

SO as I look ahead....I feel liberated....a few monkeys off my back....a few scars...but i also see a few dreams germinating....I hope I have it in me to try and take t hem to their logical conclusion...and even if they shatter again...at least i know how to face it ..:)

gaining years....

So, yesterday it was that day of the year again. Age moves an year ahead. Somehow I tend to become reflective on the day. A few years ago, I read it somewhere - "growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional." I hope I've grown up a bit this year.

This electronic age is really good. All people right from my bank, to the preferred airline to the blood donors group wished..well I received an e-mail at least. The phone calls were lesser than the mails. The world is changing...hmmm.

The day went fine. Finally did take a bath (yeah it'd been two days). Cooked an awesome khichdi in the afternoon. Went out into the city in the evening and came back as empty as i went out. I am really waiting for the classes to begin. Sitting idle, is a killer. The nights are a bit tough these days. The bed is too comfortable for me and the mind is too restless. I just need them to change qualities...:). I know I'd be able to reach there soon. The journey is a bit...well...painful, but what the heck I've come through worse things.

The next week I have a complete off. People studying a few pre-term courses. I have opted for none so I have nothing to do. Maybe I'll explore Hyderabad the next week. Ma'an I need a bike. Sunday it'd be, if I don't buy one this weekend then I don't think I'd be able to in the year ahead. Le's see.

The study groups have been made...5 people..two more guys & two gals....quite a diverse lot...Hope the studies pan out well. hah...as if I want to study...
.nuff for the day...

ISB..

hmmm...right...so I have reached the dreamers' abode....Indian School of Business, Hyderabad.

The place is nice. The administration seems helpful. And the fake smiles and the urge to know everyone in your "batch" is there. A sense of deja vu. Yeah IMT seemed the same in the first month. I am really looking forward to the first exam. This sweetness has to make way for reality soon. Nah I'm not skeptical but yeah a fair dose of realism is needed.

The past two months have been really weird. I just seem to be sleep walking through everything. "Dazed & Confused" that's what I have been. The only good thing was that I have started my journey back into my shell and I know for sure that this time I'll go even deeper 'cause honestly I don't wanna come out ever. I don't wanna come out 'cause I can't really play this game well and now I don't even know if I want to win.

Baaki...the quaddies are nice...two more punjabis and a marathi. The ISB infrastructure is awesome. The quality of faculty does look good. So let's see if they have it in them to refine me..:)

would write more about ISB and the "learning experience" over the next 10 months.

Time to move out...

My last Saturday in office, well atleast for an year. I'm moving out of the city soon. Moving on with life, heading back to pursuit of knowledge in order to earn more money. Yeah it sounds, too hollow. But maybe that is the way I am.

Leaving this city is turning out to be a strange experience, there's a part of me that wants to stay rooted here for ever...maybe in some hope and there's the other who just wants to rush out of here, maybe never to come back.

I fear the second me would win in this battle.....but then I have already surrendered to a lot many things...let this be another....

It hurts...

The "Whys" hurt. The "Hows" hurt. The thinking hurts. But then these are probably the result of my expectations.

Mahatma Gandhi said "No one can hurt you, unless you allow them to." Yeah, my expectations allowed a few people/events/situations to hurt me. So ultimately I come down to blaming myself. Yup, it's a clear signal I'm headed back towards sanity. The best part about blaming oneself is that the remedies are easily found/available. The courage to follow them is slightly scarce. But then it does come.

Someone told me that its only the ego which is hurt. Hmmm....nah it does go somewhat deep and it hurts at other places. But then the gain has been that I found the cause for the hurt- I, Me, myself. Now, if the cause is so clear the solution can definitely not be far.

Read it on one of the posts...remove the rights and wrongs and nothing's wrong then...Hmmm....but then how does it take the pain away???

In a strange way I have started smiling a bit. Yeah, genuine smiles. I just imagine myself two years down the line and laughing at this time like a total jackass. Maybe even sharing it with a few other buggers drunk like hell (except me, I 'd like to believe I've quit), maybe listening to Menhdi Hasan. Gawd What's with the guy, you never enjoy him at the times when it makes sense to enjoy him. Yeah maybe life's like that...:-)

Is life looking up? Not really. A very very lonely weekend is loomig ahead. Am I afraid? You bet I am, shit scared. But then I usually look up at problems in their worst form, so maybe it'll be slightly less lonely. But sitting here in office after everyone's left listening to a few good songs does make life good. Tommorow would be better. I don't even believe myself when I say that.:-)
If any of the buggers reading this have my phone number, then do call me. I'm not calling up anyone over the weekend.

B called-up in the morning. Facing problems with his girl. Hmmm...stupid people....afraid of committments. Bloody hell, take the plunge. How the hell can I help?? But yeah I think they'll get married soon. God bless them. (yeah do it.)

I have started gaining weight again. The early mornings just add to the guilt as I just waste them. The jogging stopped long ago. Yeah it's been almost 2 months since I went out. But then I'm afraid of morning walks too. I have to start it again, I can't keep running away.

Talked to Dad yesterday. It'd been a long long time. Yeah even he's a bit of an egoist. I had to make the phone call. He told me to come back to Delhi. I just feel suffocated there. I really can't imagine going back to Delhi in the near future. Yeah I have started to fear the city I have loved throughout my life. But I guess I'd go back after sis's exams are over. Maybe for a week. But even thinking of that gives me jitters.

I've to start reading again. It's been a really long time since I picked up a book. Hell, I don't even read the papers properly these days. I'll start with the newspapaer tommorow. I beleive the world cup can't be really far away. Hell, How can I lose track of that???

I remember the verse from Pyasa "Tang aa chuke hain kashmkashein zindagi se hum, thukra na dein jahaan ko kahin bekhudi mein hum." ..."ubhrenge ek baar abhi dil ke walwale, maana ki dab gaye hain gham-e-zindagi se hum."... of course the heart would not stop beating by itself. It'll dream again...and maybe see them shatter again....do i care??...maybe i do...but its just the pain that bothers me....achievements stopped making a difference a long time ago....

The pain it is....the truth....but if the exultation didn't last for long...how can this continue beyond a point???.....but it really hurts abhi....khoon bahut hai...tezi se beh bhi raha hai....:)

Let's head back.....

They said you'll get bored of it and then start smiling. Hmmm...I actually am sick of these fake smiles. Either I stop them or make them real. The second option does deserve a chance. It'll take its time happening, but then till then I'll keep smiling and laughing the fakes.

Life's stuck-up, where I don't know. But it's stuck up for sure.I am trying my best to force it out of the rut but then I've just become so weak. The mornings are becoming horrible again, the nights have started troubling me too. The sleeplessness is back. I try my utmost to be awake till late in the night to avoid early mornings...but then old habits die hard and am usually up before the sun is out.

Work life is screwed. I have done nothing in the past two months and am bluffing people like hell. Some of them have the power to screw my career beyond recognition. They tell me, I have to come out of this stupidity. I guess I'll start with this. I guess my last year's hard work has saved me till now but I've reached a zone where it starts to get dicey.

Family, I have spoilt it to the level I never had before this. The average phone call home is about 45 seconds in length. Pheww...I need to sort out this. But I guess I should let my sis's exams get over. They are happy to be cold to me as of now and I'd let them be there for some more time. They think I'm on some ego trip and I'll just keep fuelling it for some more time. I don't know if I am being selfish, nah...I'm not.

And yes, we've fought again. God & me. It's for him to make up this time. nah...Don't I know myself.

It's been a funny time. The ones you enjoy two years hence. I thought I had passed that stage in life but I guess a last burst was due. Have i faced it before?? Yeah maybe I have but then that was a great learning experience. I am yet to count my gains out of this. What disturbs me is...am I giving up?? Maybe I am, but then you can't drill in sense to closed minds. In a strange way I'm reluctant to accept others' mistakes but then they have to live with it. Why the hell should I be bothered about their guilty conscience. But yeah maybe even I have my personal motives and that is what troubles me. Expectations, yup that is it. I have kept them low for so many years so they had to take this monstrous shape sometime. I guess they'll come back to a reasonable size with time.

Got to hear of three more marriages in the past three days. hmmm....great show guys keep it running.

So I have to head back. They say "be neutral." Hmmm....let's see. The initial burst is just not happening. I always fear that the original burst would put me into an orbit of negativity that I really want to avoid. So instead of being launched out, I'm walking out of it and that is taking its time. Let's see if we can put time frames on that. I know I have to leave a lot of things in this but then that has never been tough. Am I ready to battle myself again??. ummmm...do i have a choice?? Maybe I do....but I guess it's been enough, so let's head back...to where?? well the stupid place called world where money, promotions, performance appraisals, applause, careers, society, etiquette and all the crap becomes important again and the wild heart learns to live a timid tame life. I really do like life's sense of humour. Come beat me again I am ready to surrender.

Hmmm...interesting

To have something in life we never had, we have to do something we never did.

Visist the link

http://www.212movie.com/

I've seen it at the worst possible time...so what???....I really love life's sense of humour..:)

Life is...well not too bad...i have to make it better

Yeah this did warrant a second post for the day. I don't really know what it was the utter awe for amazing writing or the relief of having had a good laugh after a long time but it was exciting.

Reading through stuff I landed on the blog of this amazing dude. Ma'an amazing sense of humour and amazing skill. I had lost respect for the written word. But it actually made me laugh like a kid. My parents sitting in the other room thought, the moment to take me to the asylum had come (Yeah they have started believing in it, Dad was sweet enough to ask me if i thought i needed psychiatric help). They were amazed to see me laugh half bent over my laptop.

And the dude, the genius probably doesn't even know what he is done to me. Yeah, this makes me believe in God :).

Life indeed is beautiful...It can be made better...and you bet I'll try me best to do it....it's not yet over.

Abhi khoon bahut baaki hai...:)