Time to move out...

My last Saturday in office, well atleast for an year. I'm moving out of the city soon. Moving on with life, heading back to pursuit of knowledge in order to earn more money. Yeah it sounds, too hollow. But maybe that is the way I am.

Leaving this city is turning out to be a strange experience, there's a part of me that wants to stay rooted here for ever...maybe in some hope and there's the other who just wants to rush out of here, maybe never to come back.

I fear the second me would win in this battle.....but then I have already surrendered to a lot many things...let this be another....

It hurts...

The "Whys" hurt. The "Hows" hurt. The thinking hurts. But then these are probably the result of my expectations.

Mahatma Gandhi said "No one can hurt you, unless you allow them to." Yeah, my expectations allowed a few people/events/situations to hurt me. So ultimately I come down to blaming myself. Yup, it's a clear signal I'm headed back towards sanity. The best part about blaming oneself is that the remedies are easily found/available. The courage to follow them is slightly scarce. But then it does come.

Someone told me that its only the ego which is hurt. Hmmm....nah it does go somewhat deep and it hurts at other places. But then the gain has been that I found the cause for the hurt- I, Me, myself. Now, if the cause is so clear the solution can definitely not be far.

Read it on one of the posts...remove the rights and wrongs and nothing's wrong then...Hmmm....but then how does it take the pain away???

In a strange way I have started smiling a bit. Yeah, genuine smiles. I just imagine myself two years down the line and laughing at this time like a total jackass. Maybe even sharing it with a few other buggers drunk like hell (except me, I 'd like to believe I've quit), maybe listening to Menhdi Hasan. Gawd What's with the guy, you never enjoy him at the times when it makes sense to enjoy him. Yeah maybe life's like that...:-)

Is life looking up? Not really. A very very lonely weekend is loomig ahead. Am I afraid? You bet I am, shit scared. But then I usually look up at problems in their worst form, so maybe it'll be slightly less lonely. But sitting here in office after everyone's left listening to a few good songs does make life good. Tommorow would be better. I don't even believe myself when I say that.:-)
If any of the buggers reading this have my phone number, then do call me. I'm not calling up anyone over the weekend.

B called-up in the morning. Facing problems with his girl. Hmmm...stupid people....afraid of committments. Bloody hell, take the plunge. How the hell can I help?? But yeah I think they'll get married soon. God bless them. (yeah do it.)

I have started gaining weight again. The early mornings just add to the guilt as I just waste them. The jogging stopped long ago. Yeah it's been almost 2 months since I went out. But then I'm afraid of morning walks too. I have to start it again, I can't keep running away.

Talked to Dad yesterday. It'd been a long long time. Yeah even he's a bit of an egoist. I had to make the phone call. He told me to come back to Delhi. I just feel suffocated there. I really can't imagine going back to Delhi in the near future. Yeah I have started to fear the city I have loved throughout my life. But I guess I'd go back after sis's exams are over. Maybe for a week. But even thinking of that gives me jitters.

I've to start reading again. It's been a really long time since I picked up a book. Hell, I don't even read the papers properly these days. I'll start with the newspapaer tommorow. I beleive the world cup can't be really far away. Hell, How can I lose track of that???

I remember the verse from Pyasa "Tang aa chuke hain kashmkashein zindagi se hum, thukra na dein jahaan ko kahin bekhudi mein hum." ..."ubhrenge ek baar abhi dil ke walwale, maana ki dab gaye hain gham-e-zindagi se hum."... of course the heart would not stop beating by itself. It'll dream again...and maybe see them shatter again....do i care??...maybe i do...but its just the pain that bothers me....achievements stopped making a difference a long time ago....

The pain it is....the truth....but if the exultation didn't last for long...how can this continue beyond a point???.....but it really hurts abhi....khoon bahut hai...tezi se beh bhi raha hai....:)

Let's head back.....

They said you'll get bored of it and then start smiling. Hmmm...I actually am sick of these fake smiles. Either I stop them or make them real. The second option does deserve a chance. It'll take its time happening, but then till then I'll keep smiling and laughing the fakes.

Life's stuck-up, where I don't know. But it's stuck up for sure.I am trying my best to force it out of the rut but then I've just become so weak. The mornings are becoming horrible again, the nights have started troubling me too. The sleeplessness is back. I try my utmost to be awake till late in the night to avoid early mornings...but then old habits die hard and am usually up before the sun is out.

Work life is screwed. I have done nothing in the past two months and am bluffing people like hell. Some of them have the power to screw my career beyond recognition. They tell me, I have to come out of this stupidity. I guess I'll start with this. I guess my last year's hard work has saved me till now but I've reached a zone where it starts to get dicey.

Family, I have spoilt it to the level I never had before this. The average phone call home is about 45 seconds in length. Pheww...I need to sort out this. But I guess I should let my sis's exams get over. They are happy to be cold to me as of now and I'd let them be there for some more time. They think I'm on some ego trip and I'll just keep fuelling it for some more time. I don't know if I am being selfish, nah...I'm not.

And yes, we've fought again. God & me. It's for him to make up this time. nah...Don't I know myself.

It's been a funny time. The ones you enjoy two years hence. I thought I had passed that stage in life but I guess a last burst was due. Have i faced it before?? Yeah maybe I have but then that was a great learning experience. I am yet to count my gains out of this. What disturbs me is...am I giving up?? Maybe I am, but then you can't drill in sense to closed minds. In a strange way I'm reluctant to accept others' mistakes but then they have to live with it. Why the hell should I be bothered about their guilty conscience. But yeah maybe even I have my personal motives and that is what troubles me. Expectations, yup that is it. I have kept them low for so many years so they had to take this monstrous shape sometime. I guess they'll come back to a reasonable size with time.

Got to hear of three more marriages in the past three days. hmmm....great show guys keep it running.

So I have to head back. They say "be neutral." Hmmm....let's see. The initial burst is just not happening. I always fear that the original burst would put me into an orbit of negativity that I really want to avoid. So instead of being launched out, I'm walking out of it and that is taking its time. Let's see if we can put time frames on that. I know I have to leave a lot of things in this but then that has never been tough. Am I ready to battle myself again??. ummmm...do i have a choice?? Maybe I do....but I guess it's been enough, so let's head back...to where?? well the stupid place called world where money, promotions, performance appraisals, applause, careers, society, etiquette and all the crap becomes important again and the wild heart learns to live a timid tame life. I really do like life's sense of humour. Come beat me again I am ready to surrender.

Hmmm...interesting

To have something in life we never had, we have to do something we never did.

Visist the link

http://www.212movie.com/

I've seen it at the worst possible time...so what???....I really love life's sense of humour..:)

Life is...well not too bad...i have to make it better

Yeah this did warrant a second post for the day. I don't really know what it was the utter awe for amazing writing or the relief of having had a good laugh after a long time but it was exciting.

Reading through stuff I landed on the blog of this amazing dude. Ma'an amazing sense of humour and amazing skill. I had lost respect for the written word. But it actually made me laugh like a kid. My parents sitting in the other room thought, the moment to take me to the asylum had come (Yeah they have started believing in it, Dad was sweet enough to ask me if i thought i needed psychiatric help). They were amazed to see me laugh half bent over my laptop.

And the dude, the genius probably doesn't even know what he is done to me. Yeah, this makes me believe in God :).

Life indeed is beautiful...It can be made better...and you bet I'll try me best to do it....it's not yet over.

Abhi khoon bahut baaki hai...:)

Picking up pieces....carrying on....

Hmmm....the heading looks unnecessarily sombre...let it be...I'm not feeling much better anyway.

S got married yesterday. So two of the three of us are married. Yeah it had always been the three of us. S, R and me. Growing up together, doing all the rights and wrongs together. The bond was special. I remember the time when S and me had a crush on the same girl and both of us made gallant sacrifices in the name of friendship :). Those days were special.

R got married to S's sister last year. Yeah different communities, different cultures, yet they got married. Life moves on. I shifted to Ahmedabad and the bond somehow was breaking. I got their once a week phone calls and we usually discussed their problems. Yes Sir, I was the counsellor-in-chief. Youngest of the lot but somehow made the grandpa of the group.

I have been in Delhi six days now. Moved out only 2-3 times. It's quite sickening being at home doing nothing at all. Thinking of a few stupid things that others did and landed me nowhere. The restlessness, the anxiety, the insecurity, the pain it has all started taking its toll on me.

The days go pretty bad. Emptiness is something I detest. Once in a while I can do without work but it's quite difficult to live with emptiness elsewhere. I need a mission again, maybe to fail again. I have been trying to read again. Ruskin Bond is what I've picked up again. I've found my wall too. Except that it's a bit too high. Yup, around 100 feet from the ground. The view is breathtaking. But then I just can't read beyond a few pages. I have even started disliking the sunshine too. I need strength. It comes with clarity, they say. But I'm quite clear in my head about the correctness of a lot many things. I think strength would take its time coming.

I was in no mood to go to the wedding yesterday. Had a bath after 3 days and a shave after 5 days. Had my food at 8 and asked Dad for the car keys. Wanted to go on a drive into the stupid city. It was quite cold, more so inside. It's hard to express, but imagine bricks of Ice, cold ice, and all that breaking with rough edges hurting you as much with their sharpness as with their coldness.

10 minutes into my sojourn my phone rang. Damn it! I knew I should have left it home. It was R. He enquired where I was. I told him was not feeling well and may not be able to attend. Maybe he read through my lie and persuaded me to come for only a short time. Bloody hell, I have to get out of this anyway. I decided to go to the marriage. Called up home, told Mom to iron my clothes and turned back.

The marriage was a strange experience. I really do hate loud music. And Punjabi weddings are supposed to be loud. But what the heck wasn't the girl a Jat. Yup, an inter-caste marriage again. Why do I keep running into these. R saw me for a moment. Enquired if I needed any drinks. I refused as I have been doing for two months now. And then the damaad of the family as he was, he got busy with others. It's so strange how people can forget you in a crowd. I found a seat towards the rear and everyone almost forgot me. I don't know what hopes was I carrying, but that sudden realization of being forgotten broke a large piece inside me. I got up, met R and told him I'd be leaving. I asked him to meet me the next day if he could. Shit, How can I become so weak.

Came out, and didn't feel like going home. Decided to drive around a bit. Don't know how, but reached Dhaula Kuan, The traffic was somehow non-existent. I proceeded towards India Gate, but reaching RML decided to go to Cannaught Place(CP). CP has changed a lot. I went around the outer circle, there was the Madras Hotel, where I had had so many of my breakfasts, I have somehow begin to hate Dosas now. The Marina Hotel, another spot where I had had a failure. Reached "Minar", yeah they still serve the best Butter Chicken in the country, but I guess my relationship with them has ended. It's been some time since I last had non-veg :). Healthy eating habits is what I keep telling every one :). Kake da Hotel, Bhape da Hotel, they are all still therel.

Reflecting over everything, I had this strange desire to give God a face that moment. I knew Hanuman Mandir was open late at night. Reached the parking lot on the opposite road. It was pitch dark. Only the flower shop was open. Yeah the Marriage season, the bouquets become hot cakes. As luck would have it, I found a parking spot bang opposite "Gurjari", The Gujarat Govt. Shop. Bloody hell, why doesn't Gujarat leave me alone. Next to it was the Coffee Home, The cheapest place to sit and relax in CP. I have had my share of Coffees there.

I crossed the Mosque just opposite Hanuman Mandir while crossing the road. The irony of it was hard to miss. A mosque bang opposite a temple and I was using the parking lot for the mosque to go to the temple. Whom was I trying to fool. I could hear God laugh at me as I tried to run after one name while crossing another home of his. I reached the temple to be snubbed by the guard, "Budhwar ko mandir 10 baje band ho jata hai" (the temple closes at 10 on Wednesdays). I couldn't help but smile at the stupidity of mine. Of course Gods in temples need to sleep. Oh, how I easily I had forgotten that the bugger in my heart slept, wokeup, ate, cried, laughed with me whenever I wanted him to. Yeah he is supposed to be faceless.

I came back to the parking lot and came the lot attendant. A Giant of a man. I asked him, What was he doing at this unholy hour. He just smiled. I paid him the money. I am sure it went into his booty for his daily dose of Smack. "Thand bahut hai sahab, chai Piyenge?" (It's quite cold sir, would you like to have some tea?) he offered. Wiser counsel prevailed and I refused his offer.

Moving out of the parking lot I turned towards home. Withinn a minute I reached the magnificent, the regal, Guradwara Bangla Sahib. I just couldn't garner the courage to go in, though knew I wouldn't be refused entry there. And just 50 steps away is the Sacred Heart Cathedral. One of the most beautiful churches I have seen anywhere. The scene is just awesome on Sunday mornings in winters. I just couldn't miss the beauty of all that. A temple, a mosque, a gurudwara and a church all in a radius of 200 metres. Yup, 200 metres. Maybe it was the first time I was noticing it that closely. Maybe it was the first time I wanted to see it that closely. I thought of Delhi again and Jama Masjid came to mind, and the Jain temple just next to it, Gurudwara Sisganj 10 metres ahead. Dad had told me sometime that there even was a church somewhere down the road. Of course Delhi has a rich culture. What would others know of it. Religious harmony, tolerance is all crap. The very fact that Gods with different names could co-exist so close to each other is a slap on the face of those who believe humans can't co-exist.

In a strange way a few things saddened me a little more. But then it also made me realise the correctness of my convictions in life.

I turned back to have a view of them all again. Also drove through the inner circle of CP after a long time. PVR has taken up Plaza & Rivoli. They looked different. The inner circle has also changed a lot. It's become quite beautiful and with the underground Metro Station CP is rocking these days. Oh, how I miss those once in three month trips to palika with S & R. I don't need all the shit that's coming my way. I'd be happy with that Rs. 5 kachori next to Hanuman Mandir, that bottle of flavored milk at Keventers, that aimless roaming in CP and Palika, that endless bargaining over CDs, those trips down Janpath. I want them back. And I'm sure going to ISB I'll not get them. Yup, there are a lot many confusions in life. ISB too has become one of them.

I drove back home in various phases of highs & lows. Delhi at night does offer a few stark contrasts that I'm sure I would have missed in the day. The road opposite a five star hotel being repaired by a men in tatters. A man was placed just to guide cars and he kept standing there waving his red flag. He was guiding the most splendid of cars coming on the road. I couldn't understand whom was he trying to save the cars & their owners or himself and his co-workers. Maybe all, maybe none - he was just earning his living.

Was stopped midway by a Delhi Police PCR. The gentleman was quite drunk. A few routine questions, a fifty rupee note and he left me alone.

Reached home quite late, everyone was asleep. 3 bells to wake up my folks. No one said anything about coming late. Yeah, it's hard to be disowned. But then life moves on. "It goes on" Robert Frost it was, yeah I think it was him.

k let's take it the funny way....

There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.

There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse!

The above two quotes somehow reveal perfectly the mental state I'm in. Add to it a total lack of communication, if we discount horrible emotional outbursts. Add a hell lotta denial and you know life is turning horrible.

Hidden emotional blackmails. Apprehensions going to a scale where it becomes impossible to even discuss. Losing patience. Immense time pressures. Disaster of course is never far away. Trust me I learnt it the hard way.

But somehow I believed in the "Alchemist". Yeah the stupid book by Paulo Coelho. I believed in a few very stupid movies. So leaving hope becomes just so difficult.

Enjoying life, well, these days I'd really like to know how to do it. Nothing is going right, yup nothing is going right (someone suggested then try going left!!!...:)). But then I have even lost my sense of direction.

Add to it some really provocative statements. Lots of confusion. A big dash of weakness (elsewhere). And an almost empty bank account. Bills staring you down and credit card limits being exhausted. Work pressure greeting you along with the guilt of doing nothing at all.

Reflecting over everything. Nothing was wrong. Just a small turn and things went so horribly wrong. But then I have brought life back to track so many times and I know I can do it again but then opening minds is difficult than breaking mountains. Relative truths becoming stronger than real truths is a sure shot sign of disaster and that is what happens when minds refuse to open up. Wrong timing, yup that's what I've been told. Now how can I take time back, maybe a few things have to move up and catch up with time.

Losing balance is what they call it. Bloody hell, OK, I have lost balance, now someone tell me how to regain it. There's a so apparent easy way out but I have to take the long tortuous way out. What's the point???. I'll try and find it and put it in the next post.

"..its the test of desire...that's what life is"...bloody hell...i keep running into statements like this...but it's true...isn't it??

The sun temple at Modhera....one of the shots i liked...

hmmm...it's all in the name of God...My God...your God

yeah...this was something i had been avoiding for a long time.....religion is afterall so personal to everyone...but this post has a background to it....:)...there's actually another post that i have finished today morning after around 3 days....i'll hold it for some time.....before posting it....i don't know what am i trying to hide....but yeah I'm hurt....

hmm....when i look back in history...and as little knowledge as i have of it.....we evolved from monkeys...to apes...to whatever we are today....and there never was any religion for a long long time...comeon animals are still not hindus, muslims or the lot...it has to be understood or atleast i believe so...Religion came into being only after Human consciousness....God got a name and a face then...before that the unknown power existed and still does and would probably continue to exist after humanity..the key word is unknown..maybethe better word could be unexplained.....and i am very sure that this unknown is very different from the idea of God/energy that any religion in the world proclaims to define.... a small example...lightning was considered evil and was in some way attached to divinity...and was feared....when science explained it, the unknown/unexplained became a logical happening and somehow divinity was taken away from the phenomenon...comeon think last time you thought of god when you heard thunder....i maybe rush for my camera at times...:)

so how was that religions developed???...i have a feeling it was more regional than anything else...people scared of common enemies...and bound by same habits...started living a certain lifestyle...this lifestyle also had to have space for the unknown power making everything tick...the idea of God formed and a face was developed for it in every region....with conquests regions lost boundaries and the winners' "religion" or more correctly their lifestyle spread...GOD essentially was the name for the unknown/unexplained power....religions do claim to explain this unknown...but if every religion has an explanation is it possible to believe one and reject the other....comeon rationality has to have a space...and rationality says that everyone has a right to express and it is accepted that all religions and definitions of God ultimately are to bind humankind together....the basics all remain the same...so there is a case for all religions to co-exist...and they are co-existing....else we would have had only one religion in the world...ahh!!! wudn't then the world be a beautiful place...but knowing the fertile human mind...i am sure we would find differences to fight over....

Somehow, over time the lifestyle has come to be defined more so by the definition of GOD rather than the other way round....this to me was all because of human intervention in a somewhat normal evolutionary process....i mean how is it possible that two different lifestyles meet and they find differences rather than the so apparent similarities....man by nature is not hostile....that is how we could reach the population levels we have... all wars in the world were the desire for power of a few men....we would be fooling ourselves if we believe it was anything else...and if differences surface because of religion...can we call it anything but a desire for power...maybe the apostles...the earlier leaders did not desire power but the very fact the religion stops a few interactions in modern times shows it is again a quest for influence....who would need a pandit...if all hindus became muslims...and who would need a maulvi if all muslims became hindus......or better still....who would need a godman if all humans became spiritual....:)...so i never expect any godman to encourage interaction with followers of any other religion....but in a small way... isn't it hollow...

so what's the way to live life...with all these "differences"...well we could choose to help people live their lifestyle to the best of our abilities with all freedom....giveup a few things if needed to make things go through....but not really expecting the other to change for us....yeah it sounds bookish....but then is there another way....the other way is to impose urself on others...criticise their lifestyle and prove urs to be better...and stop all interaction....in short "breed hostility"....at whatever small a level...hostility is hostility....and this probably goes against the basic teachings of all religions...

if god willed all life to eat the same things....he wouldn't have created so many beings...tell a lion and a deer to have the same food....one would not be able to survive ...but both do...in the same world....under the same sun...drinking the same water...under the same "GOD"(irrespective of the religion of the observer) means God did not build restrictions for anyone...

so God is not the one prohibiting different lifestyles....so different lifestyles can meet???...i believe with a few adjustments they can....and a few sacrifices here and there...life can become so beautiful...humans after all are not living to just eat....and the human will to explore is the paramount....if it were not for the will to explore and adapt...we would still have been living on trees....and the exploration is not limited to just lands....the more basic is the exploration of other humans....i do it..

yeah i write this because i am hurt....deeply hurt....My god...is goodness...the goodness i see in myself every day...the goodness i see in others every day....and how i live life is so small a part of it...which can change so easily.....and my god...my nameless/faceless buddy is more interested in what i do with people....

they say adapting could be tough....hmmm...tough???...what is easy any ways....and what is GOD for...if he can't even let you live in slightly different circumstances....is that belief really strong enough???....nah this question is not meant for anyone...:)

well...i'll miss the dilemma i wud have loved to have had...

bloody fools.....i can't really help their bad luck....yeah...the CAT results are out....last year they told me i didn't know maths....this year they say i don't know english...yeah two years in arow...one section screws me.......are these buggers nuts...all these coaching sites gave me 2-3 calls....but alas...i'll have none....

yeah it would have been tough to decide between IIMA & ISB....:-))....but thankfully this dilemma would not appear....but this is something i wud have loved to have had....so ISB...here I come....and IIMs...u lost the last chance i gave you....pity you cudn't even talk to me...:)

yeah this failure wud rankle for some time......but i guess....thats the way it'd be...:)

the cold and cloudy new year...and the bucket of hot water....

well the new year is here....Happy New Year!!!!....its cold..and cloudy.....howzzat it was so wonderfully sunny yesterday and i was planning to sit in the delhi sunshine (which may not be possible for a few days now....i move to Ahmedabad today evening....and to Hyderabad in three months...)....and continue my lazy...oblivious to the world reading....but the weather had other ideas.....

no-one's home...everyone's out to some work....i have filled a bucket of hot water about one third.....soaking my feet in it....and surfing the net....maan life is beautiful.....

it'll be back to work from tomorrow....i have to hand over charge....to whom...i don't know.....i have to train someone to take from me...."knowledge transfer" is the better term i believe.... The current job has been good....i have learnt a lot in the last one year...i have acted as HOD for IT...technical knowledge apart....there've been learnings in general professional life as well...handling different bosses...handling a budget of a few hundred lacs...showing authority....getting approvals....playing games....yeah its been good...can i teach to it anyone...nah..they'll learn it themselves....

ping-pong...its a beautiful game....a beautiful concept actually....there are many things in life that can be compared to it....maybe all...yeah maybe there's a ping pong game somewhere.....

what else...this visit to delhi was the laziest i have had...moved out of home only twice...thrice maybe.....enjoyed the sunshine....a novel....met a few...very few friends....the last of them is getting married in two months..had few drinks...lesser discussions....am quite looking forward to going back to....god knows where.....

it's a funny feeling when home town starts feeling different...a stranger at times...Delhi has always been home...in times good & bad....but it seemed a stranger this time...as if i didn't know it at all...resist as i may i am being alienated to delhi...i hope not for long....i wanna move back to this crazy....extreme weathered..rude....inhuman ....lively...city again...very very soon....but i guess it is still one and a half year away...atleast....hmmm...le's see.....

Ahmedabad's been nice to me.....though i have had a few of my scariest...most lonely moments there....the memories are happy and sad....more good than bad....the city's good...the pace is just what you need for a comfortable life...small enough to have single shops selling specialities....there's one famous shop for almost all delicacies....the girls were..well not up there...but then i went there with a different mindset and a different purpose.....and the festivities....the joint families....made you fell happy but with that feeling of being lonely at the most inappropriate time....but it was good....enjoyed my stay there....guess would enjoy it even more in my last (well...apparaently...though i sincerely hope not...) three months there...

well some things look better without a conclusion......

the sunshine...the novel....and the fortune i dream of.....

man is a stupid animal. And the stupidity derives from his intelligence. Wow, i am not fit to write this at this moment....but what the heck...who's gonna read it neways

well am home in delhi...in this crazy season called winter but the best part is the sunshine i get in the balcony....

the day before we had a badboys get-together...well a really small one....with S, Addy, P and me. I was looking forward to it...had not P for a long time (if we discount the skype chats from china)...and moreso cos I had not had a drink for a long long time....

but things have changed....it was not the same IMT style gathering.....we have moved beyond beautiful songs and ghalib's shayari....fair enuff....evrything has its life...but the new topics were something which made me uncomfortable.....'twas money....with five million dollar wine bills and 'leven thousand mobile bills discussed or rather flaunted....it was not the usual badboys bakar...and did i forget the case of two "dudes" who started as roommates moved on got married...got divorced and are back as roommates again...all in an year or so...the focus was all on the new lifestyle that the new money was bringing....and i just could not relate to it....it was not the others were approving of it...but they were accepting it at face value and were able to be indifferent towards it....i somehow couldn't....yeah i am a weakling...hah

i childhood there are things that are "strictly forbidden"...there are a few amongst these that most of us try out...but then there is a tiny group one understands would not be forgiven and we learn to live without it....the problem is that as much as i try and believe that i am open to new ideas the list i have built for myself is fairly long....the world today believes in shortening this list and i am too old fashioned or maybe too weak to shorten it.....but then i enjoy what i do...which may also include criticising a few things in my "strictly forbidden" list.....comeon we all like to believe money is not the thing...or atleast thats how it was in college....but the others could make strong statements putting money above all else.....

i have serious thoughts about not going to ISB now....i don't want money to be foremost....and i have not paid the acceptance deposit till now....:)....yeah 30th is the last date.....

and the day after P missed his flight to Patna....was with him till around 7 in the evening trying to get him into a train...finally managed to have him seated outside the toilet (on his bag) in sleeper class....gawd....that was one tough journey.....but then if i go to ISB would i be able to spend those hours with him....

and the day after i sat in the sunshine for 6-7 hours....reading a novel....or atleast trying to...gawd could life be better.....you read a para....close your eyes..catch a nap for five mins....and then read the next para...and doing it for 7 hours with no worry in the world.....and in those small naps dreaming of the fortune you are going to make when the days change.....and joining ISB would probably take away that dream that chance to sit in the sunshine.....that novel....i want to linger on with.....wats the point????.....but the hard fact is that i would have to join ISB....resist as I may......peer pressure is bound to get the better of me....i am real weak there...

but then someone suggested try and find a way out of the mess but to do that you need to enter the mess once.....yeah all this can be avoided....but then how'd i know that avoiding the mess was better unless i come through it....:)

Got it....

Got it??...or is it them who got me..??...yeah the ISB results came out today...and they have selected me....:)

it's kindda funny...i thought i'd be happy...not that i'm not...but the feeling of relief is what beats everything else...i've come a long way since Symbiosis rejected me....yeah they did....and did i hate my MCA.....now they welcome me to the b-school that has come out tops in the placement ranks the past two years.....do i love life's sense of humour or what....

a funny thought did pass through my mind today...now that i have proved what i wanted to (to god knows whom)....whats the point joining ISB...i'm happy with ....my job in RBI....andwith the money i get...... i can certainly do without a bigass loan....Dad says i'm scared of heights....nah...i am not....par phir bhi kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai.

i've not been so tense for a really long time.....infact i can recall only once before this and that was when infatuation hit me and i made a fool of myself.....but the result has done enough to allow me to have a peaceful sleep for the first time in the past 2 weeks.

there's a lot i want to express tonight but it will just rake up stupid painful memories...i guess its enough for today.

kids growin up !!!!!!....

yeah i know the heading is crappy, but then what the heck, it made sense to me these 30 seconds back and i'm now too lazy to change it. Was reading the blog of a teenager sometime back and the poor soul is trying to justify her decision of taking up a field of study to herself. hmmm...good penning down thoughts helps one organise thoughts better....but what the heck its 4 months to the boards....crap .....have the kids of today stopped running away from schools & studies???....have those goddamn books & teachers taken over the fun of these youngsters????

i don't know about them but my decision to opt for Commerce over science was pretty simple....S.....a one year senior friend...flunked in maths while trying to cover up for physics after taking up Science...and worst of all after missing our midnight walks for a week.....what the crap...i knew i didn't want to miss my walks......the 2 hours of playing cricket....and all the other stupid stuff to some goddamn physics/chemistry books....and as it was the best didn't come to commerce so it made my job of being in the top 5 in the class with minimal of efforts much more easier.....gawd it was a fabulous deal....fun for two years in school and....a chance to compete against mediocres ( i know its a cruel word...but what the heck...i ain't going to heaven anyways)...

At many stages i realised the sheer brilliance of my mind and a queer goodluck the decision brought...

they say science helps on logical building and the crap...aaahhh...i say playing cricket...scheming with friends...trying to get someone's phone numbers from telephone linemen without paying a bribe helps build better & useful logic....don't we live with humans and not machines....honestly i've won more battles against computers by thinking like a human than with sheer logic....:)..."Fool it like a human" that's what my quotation board in the Department of IT says...And honestly i can compete with any goddamn science graduate on logic....

but i guess i am digressing from the point...the thing is why are today's kids growing up so fast???....thinking of decisions which have to be taken after almost 8 months....pressure it is...from parents....friends...teachers ( i never liked the ones at school...there was this lady who wanted me to study for atleast six hours a day in 9th standard...poor sadist)....but more importantly its the desire to lead a good life in materialistic terms...and what withn ewspapers being thurst down kids throats at schools( i don't remember reading anything beyond the sports page throughout my school life...i still read the paper from the last page...:)) and they reading about the salaries being earned by freshers.....the newest models of cars being discussed in discussions at schools....these fortune pocket moneys...aaah...they want it for themselves and thus the stupid thoughts of careers in minds of 15 year olds....

come on guys...if u make ur career now when wud you have that stolen cigarette, that first peg of whisky, the first shave and the hesitant look into the mirror after that, the discussion about girls, the 15 rupee weekly trip to the burger wala....life is not supposed to begin at 15...

Yeah these are all the undesirable side effects of shining India....comeon someone take away some of the shine and give back kids the fun-years...

(g)rumblings....

so am at it again....been 10-12 days since i last made my last contribution to blogosphere where every a**hole becomes a writer....yeah even i live in the eternal hope that someone would read it someday...

Life's in a flux...or is it fluid!!!...crap...i hate these waits....ummm..yeah i am waiting for something and hopefully should know the result by mid december....CAT's been okayish this year...i think i am on the edge on one of the sections again...let's see....

our RD retired this last month....well she's ( or was) the whole & sole incharge of the financial system in Gujarat....atleast the part that is regulated...the ketan parekhs of the world obviously have no masters....nice lady...lot of goodwill....and being the miser am in praising others...i seriously think...if i retire with half those many well wishers...boy i'd have done soem good work....let's leave it there....

what else....am struggling against a few "stubbornly in coma" servers....have to set up a website...and have to install a system of funds transfers for banks....whoops...soem work in the next two weeks....but i am in no men tal shape to do it....told ya hate these waits....

have bought 6 books in the last two weeks...have read just once...so lots to do....

bas yaar...aur kuch nahi hai likhne ko.....dunno know why i wrote the above but i guess RD retiring did warrant a record...i'd like to read it some 35 years later...:)

sabir pakda gaya.....

sabir!!!!...sabir kaun???.....hmmmm

Well he is the 20-21-22.(do i care???...maybe i do) year old.... who used to sell me CDs at Lal Darwaza....well i presume gujarat is the hub of all pirated CDs originating in India....and sabir was one of the foot soldiers....i guess he was the first acquaintance/friend i made in ahmedabad...well his location was just perfect...near hotel paramount...where i get my weekly share of food( read..non veg) and he used to be just next to it....

it started around 2 years ago....i was one of his regular customers...and we had our share of discussions...if i may call them so....one being when i pestered him about why he was into this illegal business...and he pointed to the row of beggars outside mosque nearby and asked...wahan baith jaaon kya????...and another when he wanted a bank account with an ATM card....despite my numerous encouragements he could never garner the courage to go to the SBI branch barely 20 steps from his laari....

well yesterday after killing the CAT...or rather being killed...(yeah again!!!!)...went for my food...and cudn't find sabir after that....was surprised but decided to come back in the evening....again..no sabir....went to the laari which i presumed was his....and found a boy ..no more than 12 rattling the names of the latest block-busts(..or blockbusters..were they???)...i asked him...sabir ki laari yahi hai kya???....he replied...nahi saab sabir bhai to pakda gaya...uski laari thane mein hai???. ...pakda gaya???..."haan" he said....and there it ended....don't know if i'd ever see him there again...but the words stuck on....Sabir bhai pakda gaya....

but...woh bhaag kisse raha tha jo pakda gaya???...from hunger....from dependence...from suffering of his family....or maybe.a bigger crime....none...maybe all....but am sure police would have a different name for the being chasing him.....but the bigger question that struck me was...how is it that all the Cd sellers i have seen are muslims????....i couldn't help but draw parallels between the crack trade in the states and the particular community involved in that ( yeah!!! a hangover from freakonomics)....maybe i'm right...maybe not...but the fact is all the illegal work i see in this city be it selling pirated books..Cds or bootlegging its by and large one community which is involved .....this certainly couldn't be a coincidence....and the fact is the youth involved in it were convinced that this was much better than sitting in the row of beggars outside the mosque...can we fault them???...i couldn't...

well a few of my thoughts were vindicated by the report of a committee ( set up by the Govt) recently....the problem they found was lack of education primarily...and at a higher level lack of oppurtunity....but so much discrimination couldn't have been just an ordinary occurence...was this backwardness of a community planned???...i guess the case could be argued from both sides..but i refuse to believe that the problem was hidden for so long.....then what has brought the problem to light now....

well if you ask me...it is the fear of losing what we have gained in the very recent past and looking at shining india we have gained quite a lot....so the basic fear of "haves" from "have nots"..has raised its head and people have understood that the community left behind also needs to be brought to a level where it doesn't get so desperate that it attacks the " haves" to get its share...in other words make them have something..albeit a small something.... but one that makes them feel like haves and let them have something that they may fear losing....hmmmm....

Another question that sprang-up that time was..."Does the present state of muslims in India after 60 years of independence justify the creation of Pakistan?????"...well honestly i couldn't find an argument against it.....

hmmm...stupid crap....the point is sabir pakda gaya...and a 12-13 year old...sameer...or shahid was it????( who cares anyways) has taken a step out of the row of beggars outside the mosque and set up his laari which may land him a stint in the jail before he is out of teens.....

is someone doing something???....and the worst most humiliating part is that i can't do anything...coz one i don't have the courage, stamina or dedication to do something...and secondly...i can't really bring my self to say "i care"...but the silver lining behind the cloud is that someone has started thinking and the recent report is a step in that direction....rest assured i would be following developments on that front very closely....

and one more of our discussions i remember....i don't know if it makes sense here.....i remember watching a few beauty pageants and a oft repeated question is " What would you want to be reborn as??"...i have seen most of those dumb girls saying no-one in particular....and over years i have reflected over the same question and have predominantly received one of the following two answers..." as myself again" or "noone in particular, but with the same mind"....implying that most people i knew were to quite some extent impressed by themselves and were quite happy with their situations.....well sabir answered it a bit differently..." i 'd like to be born as anyone but me".....hmmmm...i guess someone needs to make the sabirs of this world love themselves....or ensure conditions where they begin to love their lives, their circumstances and wish to be born as themselves again..... anyone listening????

Interview....had it....

hmmm...had the interview yesterday....in Mumbai....maan the city is dirty...everytime i go there i know i would never want to stay there for long....luckily reached in the morning and had a return train at 10 in the night....

the interview was at 4:40....wierdness again....my name was put in white font on a white sheet....what the heck....i cudn't find it there...the ppl called up hyderabad and were told of the error in printing....aur upar se saala hotel waala was outright rude....bloody hell...interview nahi hota to ek do dilli style gaaliyan suna ke aata....

the interview went fine ( well atleast i think so)....my low work-ex seemed to be an issue....what the heck...three years of managerial experience in the central policy making body of the world's largest democracy is less....whatever..le's see...if they take me...good for them...if they don't...well their loss would be bigger than mine...:)

they haven't ...they have....technically not as yet....

hmmm....weirdness and i go back a long way. Would share those past stories fursat mein. For today though the ISB interview story would do fine.

I had given my choice of interview centre as New Delhi. Some queer luck the interviews for Delhi clash with CAT ( told ya weirdness has a bond with me). I called up ISB and enquired if Delhi dates would be changed as the CAT (& mouse) game is played by almost 2 lakh aspirants every year and cud be that some other Delhi fellas are in the same boat as me (trying for the IIMs again). They Informed me it may not be so. I dropped them a mail to change my location to Mumbai (which are scheduled a week earlier). Got a self generated mail that admissions office is busy and would get back in a few days. I called them over the telephone and requested them to help me. They advised me to put in another mail and within two days i got a mail saying that my interview location had been changed to mumbai in the "backend".

Well yesterday they gave out calls for mumbai and lo-behold my status hadn't changed. Was I upset or was I upset. Went for an early lunch and in a rage ate 7 pooris ( I had been avoiding them for 3 months as I was trying to be in shape for the interview). Came back checked my status again...same response. Gathered some courage and called up ISB. A lady answered the following is the conversation

Me : I believe the list for Mumbai interviews is out

Lady : Yeah it's just been released.

Me: Apparently it seems I have not been shortlisted, but i had changed my centre from Delhi to Mumbai, I hope there's no confusion as regards that coz my status hasn't changed.

Lady: Status is same??? ( was I talking in Hebrew!!!!)

Me: Yeah it shows application is to be evaluated.

She asked me for my details and told me to hold the line.....the next five minutes were really long...she came back

Lady: The status would be updated by the evening and you'd know whether you have been shortlisted, waitlisted or rejected.

Me: can't you tell me now??? ( Why did she make me wait for those torturous five mins???...ladies and torture have some stupid link)

Lady: We are actually a bit tied up...it'll be nice if you could call up in the evening....( bloody hell...isn't 4 in the afternoon ...evening???)

I hung up.

the next 10 minutes i decided the course of life for the next five years with a lot of twists and twirls being planned. the biggest trouble was whom would i marry...coz maan ne kaha tha agar padhna nahin hai to shaadi karo....ufff bharat ka abla purush

and then my mobile rang...the number was from hyderabad....i picked up....the admissions manager from ISB...Rohit?? ( he said)

Me : yes

ISB: Where are you?? ( now how would that make a difference)

Me: I'm in Ahmedabad...workinng with RBI ( as if that would make him seek forgiveness...hah!!!)

ISB: apparently, we are facing a problem as we can't find a slot for you in Mumbai

Me : Sir!!!!....you mean i have been shortlisted?????

ISB: yeah...you don't know...but Mumbai seems to be a problem

Me: I'd have it in Delhi then....( I would have gone to mars if he had told me to)

ISB: No No give us a couple of days let's see if there are any cancellations....we'll try and fit you in...

Me: right sure...I'll give you a call tomorrow
ISB: yeah right


hmmm...i did call them today they still don't have a slot for me. I tried to help them by suggesting Pune. " It's worse there", they told me. They told me to call on monday and check up...

So now I know (or atleast have been told) that i have been shortlisted but have no intimation in writing, I could have my interview in mumbai or delhi. my status on the site is "Further updates would be available once the application has been evaluated". The status has remained same since the past 15 days or so...but I experienced a series of highs & lows with the same thing in the last 30 odd hours....yeah it's the weird that happens to me.....:)

my day at the railway station

well...interesting days happen every day in India....the day was monday....yeah the one that just went by....

had to came back from home after the Diwali break....had a train at 8:00....by some queer luck the traffic on roads was non existent and i reached the station (Delhi Cantt.) by 7:20.....asked my folks to go back coz the wait seemed to be too long....and i don't mind some time with myself once in a while......

the station is a smallish one....well compared to Delhi standards its tiny.....the platform was no.3....the usual.....i found a bench under a light....and sat there looking at my surroundings....the delhi chill had started and the weather was....ummm...well beyond pleasant more towrds chilly.....two gentlemen hopelessly drunk sat next to me.....interesting conversation....they discussed the traders bandh and shop sealings in Delhi.....they seemed to be employees of a sealed shop....their talk on the delhi economy was quite informative...it actually gave insight into the world away from the glamour of malls that all of us expect in place of the shops they work in.....they also had a few choice words for the government which are better left unrepeated....

well they tried to make conversation with me trying to drag me into the conversation...better sense prevailed and i did not take their bait...they thought i was snooty....hmmm...well ok...in hindsight the decision proved to be ok as the two ended up arguing and breaking into a small scuffle....

i decided to change my bench and moved onto another one....to be safe i pulled out a book and tried to read it.....an oldish gentleman came and sat next to me.....and the first question was....."arre yeh 7 baje ki rewari wali gayi kya??".... i tried to explain the time was 7:30 ....he repeate the question..."na time nahi pooch raha hoon train ke baare mein pooch raha hoon"....i said " mujhe nahi pata"....guess the best way to end the conversation....but the gentleman wudn't back off.....he tried to make conversation....i replied with hmmms.....but i came out much wiser about his wife's ( who seamlessly became my maasi)...cooking...his two sons...and their studies and the subsequent jobs.....and ofcourse that stupid 7'o clock train that went on time that day.....

a different train came from the other side coming from rewari and going towards new delhi.....it's starange how looking at a movingtrain can make you dizzy..don't believe me???....try looking through the windows of a moving train when you are sitting on a platform.....:)

people started moving out.....people most coming back from work...with tiredness writ on their faces....discussing everything from the cricket team's "bakwaas khel" to the price of the pouch they were going to buy from the "theka" outside the station.....the scene was very different from the glam world of malls and delhi markets my eyes are most used to.....this was the other side....The leeward side of "Shining India".....

i saw a pretty girl....smiling at me.....the gentle man next to me warned me uttering a chaste word that made me understand clearly what the girl's profession was......well u guess it....

then the announcement....the Ahmedabad Rajdhani was delay by 30 minutes......the gentleman complained to me that this would mean his train to rewari getting delayed....his ire was against all those souls who travel in rajdhanis and thus get the precedence over the poors like him who travelled in passengers.....i got to understand how the govt's greed was making the poor more poor in his discourse for the next twenty minutes....

i kept gathering the views around me....a beggar whom i had refused twice was having his evening tea at a nearby tea stall.....our eyes met for a secon and he gave me a happy grin.....i saw a child holding one hand each of a boy and girl(must have been his parents) walkingaway blissfully....i say a boy and girl coz they looked so young....yeah they still marry them off young in India.....

Did i forget the mosquitoes who had a feast on my body for those 75 odd minutes....maan they were real vampires.....

thankfully my train came in at 8:40 and i could bid goodbye to my companion on the bench who by now seemed least intersted in me......

interesting experience though....

i the backward.....

yeah it's started to happen....those witty tenagers have started puling fast0ones on me.....and i'm flabbergasted....to say the least....they say its the process of being backwardised.....yeah i'm getting backward....

well the process is not new....my grandparents experienced it in their sixties......my parents in their forties...when we kids took control and told the elders what new could be done and they, with some difficulty, accepted it......but wait a minute, what the heck, i can't experience it at 25....

but the world doesn't care......the pace is scorching......

to say the least my young cousins arethe modern day experts..right from choosing a mobile phone to which bank to have a credit card from....they are the people to be consulted....coz they know much more than i do.....gawd when did that happen!!!!

but you scartch the surface and you realise they are half cooked brownies and are yet to understand the usefulness of details....well but then they call it collateral damage.....their understanding of cost benefit analysis as a concept is much better than what my teachers at college had....oooffff.....

trust me till date, i have not been able to convince my father of the benefts of a credit card.....but those 15 year ols bulldozed me into appreciating the benefits of using a bluetooth enabled camera to make phone calls over the simple device i have been carrying as a mobile phone for the last 4 years.....

but his late night session with myself has thrown up a unsettling question.....does this change in products used also bring in change in way the world thinks....has materialism really taken over the way the youngsters of today think???...and in this race am i getting left behind with the old world ideals of makng the best use of resources and only taking up the things i can find a use for??.....

the answer is quite unique.....this change of life style...this coming to prominence of trivial things has been happening for centuries....my grndparents appreciated the use of ATMs very late in life.....my parents find it difficult to purchase on credit when they can make payments in cash.....but noneof them stopped the next generation from using these articles....my parents use ATMs....i use credit cards....but they were firmly rooted so as to not be overawed by these things around them...this was coz they at some point in life realized that getting backward didnot really make that much of a difference and they accepted that they did not want to change beyond a point....but i find it difficult to accept it.....for heavens sake they in their fifties & forties could accept their inability to change, i at 25 am finding it difficult to be sucked in by materialism (well that's the way i percieve it).....but then who cares about what i feel........like it or not...as i resist ....I am being backwardised

but there are warnings real big warnings......i wll try and find answers to these and keep u posted.....but till the time i get them....i'm not buying a camera to make my phone calls.....:)