Hmmm....the heading looks unnecessarily sombre...let it be...I'm not feeling much better anyway.
S got married yesterday. So two of the three of us are married. Yeah it had always been the three of us. S, R and me. Growing up together, doing all the rights and wrongs together. The bond was special. I remember the time when S and me had a crush on the same girl and both of us made gallant sacrifices in the name of friendship :). Those days were special.
R got married to S's sister last year. Yeah different communities, different cultures, yet they got married. Life moves on. I shifted to Ahmedabad and the bond somehow was breaking. I got their once a week phone calls and we usually discussed their problems. Yes Sir, I was the counsellor-in-chief. Youngest of the lot but somehow made the grandpa of the group.
I have been in Delhi six days now. Moved out only 2-3 times. It's quite sickening being at home doing nothing at all. Thinking of a few stupid things that others did and landed me nowhere. The restlessness, the anxiety, the insecurity, the pain it has all started taking its toll on me.
The days go pretty bad. Emptiness is something I detest. Once in a while I can do without work but it's quite difficult to live with emptiness elsewhere. I need a mission again, maybe to fail again. I have been trying to read again. Ruskin Bond is what I've picked up again. I've found my wall too. Except that it's a bit too high. Yup, around 100 feet from the ground. The view is breathtaking. But then I just can't read beyond a few pages. I have even started disliking the sunshine too. I need strength. It comes with clarity, they say. But I'm quite clear in my head about the correctness of a lot many things. I think strength would take its time coming.
I was in no mood to go to the wedding yesterday. Had a bath after 3 days and a shave after 5 days. Had my food at 8 and asked Dad for the car keys. Wanted to go on a drive into the stupid city. It was quite cold, more so inside. It's hard to express, but imagine bricks of Ice, cold ice, and all that breaking with rough edges hurting you as much with their sharpness as with their coldness.
10 minutes into my sojourn my phone rang. Damn it! I knew I should have left it home. It was R. He enquired where I was. I told him was not feeling well and may not be able to attend. Maybe he read through my lie and persuaded me to come for only a short time. Bloody hell, I have to get out of this anyway. I decided to go to the marriage. Called up home, told Mom to iron my clothes and turned back.
The marriage was a strange experience. I really do hate loud music. And Punjabi weddings are supposed to be loud. But what the heck wasn't the girl a Jat. Yup, an inter-caste marriage again. Why do I keep running into these. R saw me for a moment. Enquired if I needed any drinks. I refused as I have been doing for two months now. And then the damaad of the family as he was, he got busy with others. It's so strange how people can forget you in a crowd. I found a seat towards the rear and everyone almost forgot me. I don't know what hopes was I carrying, but that sudden realization of being forgotten broke a large piece inside me. I got up, met R and told him I'd be leaving. I asked him to meet me the next day if he could. Shit, How can I become so weak.
Came out, and didn't feel like going home. Decided to drive around a bit. Don't know how, but reached Dhaula Kuan, The traffic was somehow non-existent. I proceeded towards India Gate, but reaching RML decided to go to Cannaught Place(CP). CP has changed a lot. I went around the outer circle, there was the Madras Hotel, where I had had so many of my breakfasts, I have somehow begin to hate Dosas now. The Marina Hotel, another spot where I had had a failure. Reached "Minar", yeah they still serve the best Butter Chicken in the country, but I guess my relationship with them has ended. It's been some time since I last had non-veg :). Healthy eating habits is what I keep telling every one :). Kake da Hotel, Bhape da Hotel, they are all still therel.
Reflecting over everything, I had this strange desire to give God a face that moment. I knew Hanuman Mandir was open late at night. Reached the parking lot on the opposite road. It was pitch dark. Only the flower shop was open. Yeah the Marriage season, the bouquets become hot cakes. As luck would have it, I found a parking spot bang opposite "Gurjari", The Gujarat Govt. Shop. Bloody hell, why doesn't Gujarat leave me alone. Next to it was the Coffee Home, The cheapest place to sit and relax in CP. I have had my share of Coffees there.
I crossed the Mosque just opposite Hanuman Mandir while crossing the road. The irony of it was hard to miss. A mosque bang opposite a temple and I was using the parking lot for the mosque to go to the temple. Whom was I trying to fool. I could hear God laugh at me as I tried to run after one name while crossing another home of his. I reached the temple to be snubbed by the guard, "Budhwar ko mandir 10 baje band ho jata hai" (the temple closes at 10 on Wednesdays). I couldn't help but smile at the stupidity of mine. Of course Gods in temples need to sleep. Oh, how I easily I had forgotten that the bugger in my heart slept, wokeup, ate, cried, laughed with me whenever I wanted him to. Yeah he is supposed to be faceless.
I came back to the parking lot and came the lot attendant. A Giant of a man. I asked him, What was he doing at this unholy hour. He just smiled. I paid him the money. I am sure it went into his booty for his daily dose of Smack. "Thand bahut hai sahab, chai Piyenge?" (It's quite cold sir, would you like to have some tea?) he offered. Wiser counsel prevailed and I refused his offer.
Moving out of the parking lot I turned towards home. Withinn a minute I reached the magnificent, the regal, Guradwara Bangla Sahib. I just couldn't garner the courage to go in, though knew I wouldn't be refused entry there. And just 50 steps away is the Sacred Heart Cathedral. One of the most beautiful churches I have seen anywhere. The scene is just awesome on Sunday mornings in winters. I just couldn't miss the beauty of all that. A temple, a mosque, a gurudwara and a church all in a radius of 200 metres. Yup, 200 metres. Maybe it was the first time I was noticing it that closely. Maybe it was the first time I wanted to see it that closely. I thought of Delhi again and Jama Masjid came to mind, and the Jain temple just next to it, Gurudwara Sisganj 10 metres ahead. Dad had told me sometime that there even was a church somewhere down the road. Of course Delhi has a rich culture. What would others know of it. Religious harmony, tolerance is all crap. The very fact that Gods with different names could co-exist so close to each other is a slap on the face of those who believe humans can't co-exist.
In a strange way a few things saddened me a little more. But then it also made me realise the correctness of my convictions in life.
I turned back to have a view of them all again. Also drove through the inner circle of CP after a long time. PVR has taken up Plaza & Rivoli. They looked different. The inner circle has also changed a lot. It's become quite beautiful and with the underground Metro Station CP is rocking these days. Oh, how I miss those once in three month trips to palika with S & R. I don't need all the shit that's coming my way. I'd be happy with that Rs. 5 kachori next to Hanuman Mandir, that bottle of flavored milk at Keventers, that aimless roaming in CP and Palika, that endless bargaining over CDs, those trips down Janpath. I want them back. And I'm sure going to ISB I'll not get them. Yup, there are a lot many confusions in life. ISB too has become one of them.
I drove back home in various phases of highs & lows. Delhi at night does offer a few stark contrasts that I'm sure I would have missed in the day. The road opposite a five star hotel being repaired by a men in tatters. A man was placed just to guide cars and he kept standing there waving his red flag. He was guiding the most splendid of cars coming on the road. I couldn't understand whom was he trying to save the cars & their owners or himself and his co-workers. Maybe all, maybe none - he was just earning his living.
Was stopped midway by a Delhi Police PCR. The gentleman was quite drunk. A few routine questions, a fifty rupee note and he left me alone.
Reached home quite late, everyone was asleep. 3 bells to wake up my folks. No one said anything about coming late. Yeah, it's hard to be disowned. But then life moves on. "It goes on" Robert Frost it was, yeah I think it was him.
S got married yesterday. So two of the three of us are married. Yeah it had always been the three of us. S, R and me. Growing up together, doing all the rights and wrongs together. The bond was special. I remember the time when S and me had a crush on the same girl and both of us made gallant sacrifices in the name of friendship :). Those days were special.
R got married to S's sister last year. Yeah different communities, different cultures, yet they got married. Life moves on. I shifted to Ahmedabad and the bond somehow was breaking. I got their once a week phone calls and we usually discussed their problems. Yes Sir, I was the counsellor-in-chief. Youngest of the lot but somehow made the grandpa of the group.
I have been in Delhi six days now. Moved out only 2-3 times. It's quite sickening being at home doing nothing at all. Thinking of a few stupid things that others did and landed me nowhere. The restlessness, the anxiety, the insecurity, the pain it has all started taking its toll on me.
The days go pretty bad. Emptiness is something I detest. Once in a while I can do without work but it's quite difficult to live with emptiness elsewhere. I need a mission again, maybe to fail again. I have been trying to read again. Ruskin Bond is what I've picked up again. I've found my wall too. Except that it's a bit too high. Yup, around 100 feet from the ground. The view is breathtaking. But then I just can't read beyond a few pages. I have even started disliking the sunshine too. I need strength. It comes with clarity, they say. But I'm quite clear in my head about the correctness of a lot many things. I think strength would take its time coming.
I was in no mood to go to the wedding yesterday. Had a bath after 3 days and a shave after 5 days. Had my food at 8 and asked Dad for the car keys. Wanted to go on a drive into the stupid city. It was quite cold, more so inside. It's hard to express, but imagine bricks of Ice, cold ice, and all that breaking with rough edges hurting you as much with their sharpness as with their coldness.
10 minutes into my sojourn my phone rang. Damn it! I knew I should have left it home. It was R. He enquired where I was. I told him was not feeling well and may not be able to attend. Maybe he read through my lie and persuaded me to come for only a short time. Bloody hell, I have to get out of this anyway. I decided to go to the marriage. Called up home, told Mom to iron my clothes and turned back.
The marriage was a strange experience. I really do hate loud music. And Punjabi weddings are supposed to be loud. But what the heck wasn't the girl a Jat. Yup, an inter-caste marriage again. Why do I keep running into these. R saw me for a moment. Enquired if I needed any drinks. I refused as I have been doing for two months now. And then the damaad of the family as he was, he got busy with others. It's so strange how people can forget you in a crowd. I found a seat towards the rear and everyone almost forgot me. I don't know what hopes was I carrying, but that sudden realization of being forgotten broke a large piece inside me. I got up, met R and told him I'd be leaving. I asked him to meet me the next day if he could. Shit, How can I become so weak.
Came out, and didn't feel like going home. Decided to drive around a bit. Don't know how, but reached Dhaula Kuan, The traffic was somehow non-existent. I proceeded towards India Gate, but reaching RML decided to go to Cannaught Place(CP). CP has changed a lot. I went around the outer circle, there was the Madras Hotel, where I had had so many of my breakfasts, I have somehow begin to hate Dosas now. The Marina Hotel, another spot where I had had a failure. Reached "Minar", yeah they still serve the best Butter Chicken in the country, but I guess my relationship with them has ended. It's been some time since I last had non-veg :). Healthy eating habits is what I keep telling every one :). Kake da Hotel, Bhape da Hotel, they are all still therel.
Reflecting over everything, I had this strange desire to give God a face that moment. I knew Hanuman Mandir was open late at night. Reached the parking lot on the opposite road. It was pitch dark. Only the flower shop was open. Yeah the Marriage season, the bouquets become hot cakes. As luck would have it, I found a parking spot bang opposite "Gurjari", The Gujarat Govt. Shop. Bloody hell, why doesn't Gujarat leave me alone. Next to it was the Coffee Home, The cheapest place to sit and relax in CP. I have had my share of Coffees there.
I crossed the Mosque just opposite Hanuman Mandir while crossing the road. The irony of it was hard to miss. A mosque bang opposite a temple and I was using the parking lot for the mosque to go to the temple. Whom was I trying to fool. I could hear God laugh at me as I tried to run after one name while crossing another home of his. I reached the temple to be snubbed by the guard, "Budhwar ko mandir 10 baje band ho jata hai" (the temple closes at 10 on Wednesdays). I couldn't help but smile at the stupidity of mine. Of course Gods in temples need to sleep. Oh, how I easily I had forgotten that the bugger in my heart slept, wokeup, ate, cried, laughed with me whenever I wanted him to. Yeah he is supposed to be faceless.
I came back to the parking lot and came the lot attendant. A Giant of a man. I asked him, What was he doing at this unholy hour. He just smiled. I paid him the money. I am sure it went into his booty for his daily dose of Smack. "Thand bahut hai sahab, chai Piyenge?" (It's quite cold sir, would you like to have some tea?) he offered. Wiser counsel prevailed and I refused his offer.
Moving out of the parking lot I turned towards home. Withinn a minute I reached the magnificent, the regal, Guradwara Bangla Sahib. I just couldn't garner the courage to go in, though knew I wouldn't be refused entry there. And just 50 steps away is the Sacred Heart Cathedral. One of the most beautiful churches I have seen anywhere. The scene is just awesome on Sunday mornings in winters. I just couldn't miss the beauty of all that. A temple, a mosque, a gurudwara and a church all in a radius of 200 metres. Yup, 200 metres. Maybe it was the first time I was noticing it that closely. Maybe it was the first time I wanted to see it that closely. I thought of Delhi again and Jama Masjid came to mind, and the Jain temple just next to it, Gurudwara Sisganj 10 metres ahead. Dad had told me sometime that there even was a church somewhere down the road. Of course Delhi has a rich culture. What would others know of it. Religious harmony, tolerance is all crap. The very fact that Gods with different names could co-exist so close to each other is a slap on the face of those who believe humans can't co-exist.
In a strange way a few things saddened me a little more. But then it also made me realise the correctness of my convictions in life.
I turned back to have a view of them all again. Also drove through the inner circle of CP after a long time. PVR has taken up Plaza & Rivoli. They looked different. The inner circle has also changed a lot. It's become quite beautiful and with the underground Metro Station CP is rocking these days. Oh, how I miss those once in three month trips to palika with S & R. I don't need all the shit that's coming my way. I'd be happy with that Rs. 5 kachori next to Hanuman Mandir, that bottle of flavored milk at Keventers, that aimless roaming in CP and Palika, that endless bargaining over CDs, those trips down Janpath. I want them back. And I'm sure going to ISB I'll not get them. Yup, there are a lot many confusions in life. ISB too has become one of them.
I drove back home in various phases of highs & lows. Delhi at night does offer a few stark contrasts that I'm sure I would have missed in the day. The road opposite a five star hotel being repaired by a men in tatters. A man was placed just to guide cars and he kept standing there waving his red flag. He was guiding the most splendid of cars coming on the road. I couldn't understand whom was he trying to save the cars & their owners or himself and his co-workers. Maybe all, maybe none - he was just earning his living.
Was stopped midway by a Delhi Police PCR. The gentleman was quite drunk. A few routine questions, a fifty rupee note and he left me alone.
Reached home quite late, everyone was asleep. 3 bells to wake up my folks. No one said anything about coming late. Yeah, it's hard to be disowned. But then life moves on. "It goes on" Robert Frost it was, yeah I think it was him.
4 comments:
i don't think this is a crap, i can't express my feeling but i can understand the feeling behind this writing. indian social system is so suffocating that it is creating more & more suffocation, we have no option other than facing it or leave this country in the hands of highly cultured moralistic people. infact run, before this suffocation could take your life. dear, for your inner pain, you are not responsible, this sustem is responsible.
thanks Manish, but then How long can we blame the system. As regards my pain well maybe my expectations of a few things/people were unrealistic/unjustified. :). thanks for writing though.
Atleast there's someone who reads it.
Hey i liked ur presentation abt the mandir, mosque, church & gurudwara all so close..it was quite surprising...have been all there so often but never noticed it..Thanks..!!
Anon- thanks!..i did nothing new, it has always been there.
Maybe at times we do need darkness to appreciate the obvious beauty in the world....:)
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