back to nowhere....headed nowhere....but still happy....

So it's been a long time again....and i choose the best time to do everything.....

have a mid-term exam (a take home due in 11 hours)....am yet to even read it.....yeah i like living on the edge....:)

am in a very stupid state of mind....am delirious....am hurt....am ecstatic...am depressed....want something desperately....i know i wouldn't get it.....but in a very strange way...am not sad....but am quite happy...:)

things have stopped affecting me.....i have a feeling a big dip is just around the corner.....and this time i'll crash big time....

ok...so what happened now??....well life tried to make me laugh again....with its awesome sense of humour....just that this time it got me angry....i mean i am dragging along my life my way....sommeone calls out....i go out of curiosity and they kick me in the groin....what the hell bugger??...did i ask for it??....and yeah i am supposed to laugh at it.....ha ha...ok so that takes care of the negative side....

just the other day was on a flight from delhi to hyderabad....and it was really late in the night...almost everyone was asleep.....i was wide awake.....just as we were about to land...the plane shook vigorously....hmmm...some fear!!!....but then in the next thirty seconds i got a realisation that had me smiling and i have not stopped since...i lived the maslow's need hierarchy theory in reverse....as in what all needs the person leaves....i certainly don't want to leave a legacy...so level 5 is out....i don't have any self esteem needs....there goes level 4....i haven't made friends for a long time....so level 3 is out as well....i have seen a few people at this level ....where they can't leave the security and physiological needs.....well so coming back to the plane....the thought just occured to me....what if death was about 30 seconds away....and i didn't feel a thing...no fear....I like to belive for the next 2 minutes....i conquered the need for security...and level 2 was out as well for me....part of it could have been because i was helpless....but trust me i know what being helpless means....for those two minutes i was in an orbit where nothing seemed to matter.....thus the happiness....

the god part about the experience has been that it has taken away my anxieties about many things in life....but has also made me complacent....i have stopped caring about so many things....i walk late into classes...walk out when i feel bored....CP has gone for a toss...i don't even know if teachers exist.....and it doesn't bother me....

talked to a friend from the study-group....she tried to talk me out of this "loser" mentality....ha ha ha....if this is losing, then what is winning??...

But i think she is right....the life i have chosen for myself....this is what they call losing.....so would try and come out of it...:)

as of now, its just emptiness....am looking back at nothing....am looking forward to nothing....am excited about nothing....am depressed about nothing.....am happy about nothing....am furious about a few, very few things......but then i guess even this anger would fizzle out.....:)

And this is what i came across about humour by Mark Twain....fits the life's sense of humour to perfection....

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

yeah...i love my own little hell...naah....