It hurts...

The "Whys" hurt. The "Hows" hurt. The thinking hurts. But then these are probably the result of my expectations.

Mahatma Gandhi said "No one can hurt you, unless you allow them to." Yeah, my expectations allowed a few people/events/situations to hurt me. So ultimately I come down to blaming myself. Yup, it's a clear signal I'm headed back towards sanity. The best part about blaming oneself is that the remedies are easily found/available. The courage to follow them is slightly scarce. But then it does come.

Someone told me that its only the ego which is hurt. Hmmm....nah it does go somewhat deep and it hurts at other places. But then the gain has been that I found the cause for the hurt- I, Me, myself. Now, if the cause is so clear the solution can definitely not be far.

Read it on one of the posts...remove the rights and wrongs and nothing's wrong then...Hmmm....but then how does it take the pain away???

In a strange way I have started smiling a bit. Yeah, genuine smiles. I just imagine myself two years down the line and laughing at this time like a total jackass. Maybe even sharing it with a few other buggers drunk like hell (except me, I 'd like to believe I've quit), maybe listening to Menhdi Hasan. Gawd What's with the guy, you never enjoy him at the times when it makes sense to enjoy him. Yeah maybe life's like that...:-)

Is life looking up? Not really. A very very lonely weekend is loomig ahead. Am I afraid? You bet I am, shit scared. But then I usually look up at problems in their worst form, so maybe it'll be slightly less lonely. But sitting here in office after everyone's left listening to a few good songs does make life good. Tommorow would be better. I don't even believe myself when I say that.:-)
If any of the buggers reading this have my phone number, then do call me. I'm not calling up anyone over the weekend.

B called-up in the morning. Facing problems with his girl. Hmmm...stupid people....afraid of committments. Bloody hell, take the plunge. How the hell can I help?? But yeah I think they'll get married soon. God bless them. (yeah do it.)

I have started gaining weight again. The early mornings just add to the guilt as I just waste them. The jogging stopped long ago. Yeah it's been almost 2 months since I went out. But then I'm afraid of morning walks too. I have to start it again, I can't keep running away.

Talked to Dad yesterday. It'd been a long long time. Yeah even he's a bit of an egoist. I had to make the phone call. He told me to come back to Delhi. I just feel suffocated there. I really can't imagine going back to Delhi in the near future. Yeah I have started to fear the city I have loved throughout my life. But I guess I'd go back after sis's exams are over. Maybe for a week. But even thinking of that gives me jitters.

I've to start reading again. It's been a really long time since I picked up a book. Hell, I don't even read the papers properly these days. I'll start with the newspapaer tommorow. I beleive the world cup can't be really far away. Hell, How can I lose track of that???

I remember the verse from Pyasa "Tang aa chuke hain kashmkashein zindagi se hum, thukra na dein jahaan ko kahin bekhudi mein hum." ..."ubhrenge ek baar abhi dil ke walwale, maana ki dab gaye hain gham-e-zindagi se hum."... of course the heart would not stop beating by itself. It'll dream again...and maybe see them shatter again....do i care??...maybe i do...but its just the pain that bothers me....achievements stopped making a difference a long time ago....

The pain it is....the truth....but if the exultation didn't last for long...how can this continue beyond a point???.....but it really hurts abhi....khoon bahut hai...tezi se beh bhi raha hai....:)